1. Welcome To The Empowered Divorce; Divorce After Betrayal Trauma

  Hello. Hello, amazing, beautiful, strong listeners. And thank you for joining me. So first episode. Okay. I notice a lot of podcasts will start their first episode offline with introducing themselves and. I think that's how Alana Gordon, and I started our choose to be podcast years ago.

And I'm just feeling something a little bit different today, so I'm going for it.

I just want to share with you my intention for starting this podcast. Some of you have been already listening to me over at the choose to be podcast. And we talk a lot about navigating through betrayal trauma. And I noticed in, in those conversations, my brain is always going to the women.

Who have experienced betrayal, trauma, and or abuse. And. Are in the space where they're contemplating divorce. Now, some move towards that direction and then end up reconciling. But I feel like . What do we do with the women who have.

Decided that this is the decision that they are moving towards and want to and now And the choose to be podcast. Doesn't always tap into that. And so I decided that I'm going to. Start opening up another conversation. Around this. I've worked with hundreds of women and a lot of them, like I said, navigate are trying to navigate divorce and I've walked through that divorce journey alongside them.

And I've seen them on the other side of divorce and even seeing them. Navigate a second relationship.

I am. So grateful for my own experiences that allow me to consider. And have empathy. For those of you who are in this place of navigating divorce. Considering it or in that divorce process. And you've experienced betrayal. These feelings and situations can feel impossible to navigate. And I want to be able to speak more to those of you who are moving in that direction, who or who are in that direction.

And can't really find those pieces to help you navigate divorce. When you have experienced betrayal or abuse in your relationship. There are so many amazing podcasts out there with information to help. A lot of us identify those destructive behaviors like narcissism, manipulation, covert of use, like all those things, right.

And these can absolutely be helpful to understand. And learn more about what you're dealing with and that can. That can In a weird way, bring a lot of peace, like, okay, I'm not crazy. I know what I'm up against here. And so I'm loving that. I'm seeing a lot more of those podcasts and episodes show up. It's super awesome and helpful.

That would've been great.

10 years ago when I was dealing with my stuff. But what I find is that there's this lack of empowerment. In those who are leaning towards divorce. We're just afraid to make the move. There are limiting beliefs that keep them stuck.

And even if they do file for divorce, these powerless thoughts are making the whole experience. A lot more stressful and traumatizing than it has to be. I remember just being completely debilitated by fear. The whole court process. I mean, every core experience is a traumatic event. Because of how much fear I had going into that, how powerless I felt going into those situations.

Divorce can feel lonely and isolating. And I just think very few women understand all that it takes to walk this path. We aren't really talking about it with each other. I mean, I know I do a lot of talking about it, but when I talked to other women, They feel very alone. They feel very isolated. They feel a lot of shame. They feel like they're the only ones.

And that insecurity starts to, to pipe up in, in themselves. And so. Those of you who have been with me for a while now, probably can guess that I have no problem speaking up.

What I've noticed is that everyone who is going through this feels hopeless, . They feel worry and overwhelm. They feel stuck. They feel less than not enough and powerless. Now that word powerless means something to me. It hits me right to the center of

And this is why he decided to call the podcast, the empowered divorce. Because I want women who are navigating this to feel that sense of empowerment within themselves to practice letting go of the fear. It's not going to all go away. Like there's obviously we're going to experience fear and

Worry about. How this is all gonna play out. But ultimately, if we can practice tapping into that power, if we can get to a place where we are. Making more conscious choice. Your experience. Divorce is going to be different. It's not going to destroy you. It's not going to tear you apart.

You're going to navigate this with dignity aligned with your values.

As a Christian and a member of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints. Navigating divorce was.

A little bit more complicated and I see. How the Christian. Concepts and, and culture of. The LDS church really plays a part in how we navigate divorce. And this is another goal of mine with the podcast is to help. Those who are trying to navigate this. When you've believed divorce was bad or wrong. Or you believed that if you divorced. Your eternal salvation would be compromised, or those of you who believe that. God has said divorce is.

Against. His. We'll or you can't be accepted in his kingdom. If you are divorced, there are so many thoughts around this that keep us stuck. A lot longer than necessary and really that stuck is disempowerment. And so.

Again, tap into what power you do have. And navigating this in alignment with your value system. And I think a big part of that. And one of the things we're going to talk a lot about here in the podcast is those values might be a little bit different. There's so many different nuances.

But also different. Ways that.

Your religion might be impacting your ability to access your power to navigate. Your life and to navigate divorce Martin Luther king said about power. He said, power is the ability to affect change. And I love that because. I truly believe that we have power to affect change in our life. Specifically in our experiences and even more specifically, In how we approach divorce

But that word powerless. Again really hits me in the center Because there was a time in my life. Where I was absolutely not in charge. I was not in choice. I was victim. I was trapped controlled. Totally powerless. And. I gave that control up in so many different areas of my life, not just due to my husband

And the things that were happening that were control and power struggles there, but I gave power over. Too. So many things. So this idea that there was , such thing as a perfect bike, I gave power over to the idea that I needed to be a perfect. Mother daughter, friend have a perfect body.

And just even trying to be a perfect Christian. This idea that I didn't have a choice to divorce. And so I had to stay married. That kept me powerless. My brain told me divorce. Wasn't an option. So, not just the society that I was surrounded by. But it wasn't an option. According to God.

That's what I believed. And that's what I was

I did not know how often I was limiting myself from choice.

What's so interesting about that is that even though in reality, I was giving my power away to so many things in people. But at the same time, I felt very controlling. At least that's what I was told. I was told I was so controlling. I was shamed for it and I shamed myself for it because I did notice.

However. What's so fascinating is that I had, I was controlling and things that I had no control over. Truly. Now. When you experience abuse, neglect, betrayal. It's normal for parts of you to try everything. To never let that trauma, that experience happen again. Right. You need to feel safe. It's a God given right. To feel some sense of control.

Otherwise the danger and powerlessness that you feel are just too hard to live That's how we survive trauma. Especially those that are, and have survived that complex developmental, relational trauma. We believe that we have to control any and all situations enough to avoid that danger.

It seems like the abuse or trauma that happened. Is somehow. Our fault. Like, I totally remember always being told that it was my fault and believing it was my I needed to then. Do something. To try and prevent that from happening again. So I started to control, try to control the environment, try to control the other person.

Try to do certain things to prevent that trauma from happening again.

Now, let me be clear. Abuse of any kind is never your fault.

What I want women to know and start practicing is empowerment. I want women to start being the choosers in their lives. To know that they have a right to decide what they experienced and what to have and not have rather than what they should have or being told what they should have. Becoming self-empowered does not mean you are free from weakness or negative emotions.

It just means that you accept your weaknesses and all the emotions and are not making them mean anything about your worth and value.

It's making conscious decisions and again, being the chooser in your

Navigating divorce is so scary and there are so many aspects out of our control and power. So it's easy to get caught up. In all of that powerlessness.

Now we are stuck in life and the circumstances surrounding the horse happened to us. Rather than choosing all the way through that whole experience. Your power is in your thoughts.

And that's what's in your control bubble. So you get to consciously choose how you want to think about all

That is what creates your experience despite the circumstances and despite the outcome in other people. I want women to learn how to access their Through divorce.

You are an agent who has always had the power to choose. We just need to be more aware of what it is we're actually choosing.

. The other aspect of this podcast that I felt really led, came from a story that my mother told me years ago. And she's repeated it several times over the years. And it just stuck with me and the older I get. The more, I believe in the truth of it. She would tell me that back in the day of living off the land.

No washing machines where women had to do the laundry down by the river.

She'd say, I imagine that those women gathered together the river to wash those clothes. They weren't talking about what laundry soap they use. I'd imagine they were talking about the hard things that were going on in their households and listening to each other and validating each other. And offering advice and wisdom and support.

And then those women. Would gather their children in the laundry baskets and individually walk away to their homesteads. With the laundry piles under their arm and children at foot. A little taller. Because women need women.

I absolutely believe this. And so. This empowered divorce podcast, you will hear other women's stories. And you will hear specifically the things they felt stuck And then how they made the shift into action. Towards moving forward in their lives. And begin thriving. So that you can see, number one, you're not alone.

That you are just as capable of being the chooser in your life.

And knowing that you have other women supporting you, hopefully we'll help you walk a little taller too.

Because I love coaching and I love the concepts and tools. I will be leaving. Each week with something to work on and practice so that those who are listening, feel like they're doing something towards progress, but more importantly, I want women to know. That you are of worth and value, no matter what.

That, whatever you choose, it does not affect your enoughness.

Now, all of you here who are listening, who are either unsure of your future. Feeling fear around your future or completely overwhelmed with even the idea of moving forward. I just want you to know it's okay. You are doing hard things. And it makes sense. Why letting go of certain thoughts feel dangerous?

One of my main goals. In this podcast is to help empower women. Through this divorce process, because there are so many things that disempower us that we allow to disempower us. We give power over to fear. We give power over to our partner that is threatening or causing intimidation. We give power over to other people in their thoughts and opinions about what we should or shouldn't do.

We give it away in a ways that we might not realize. And my hope is to not only in the tools and concepts that I offer, but in the women that you will listen to in this podcast, And see how they stepped into their power. I hope it will inspire you. I hope that it will shift you from powerless to empowerment.

I hope that as I share things that I've learned along the way and experiences from my own And again, from the journeys that you're going to hear from women that I will have on here, I truly hope that you will be inspired. And take that step. Into choice. To create the life that you want. I honestly, I did not know that I could

I was letting life happen to me. I was letting life. And other people decide what that was for

But you have a God given right to create the life that you want.

The first tool or thought I will offer you today to consider. Again, as to what actually do you have power and control over? It's both more than we think and less than perhaps we want. So we don't have control over what other people think feel or do. And many of you listening. We're at this point in your relationship where you are seriously contemplating divorce or navigating divorce.

It's. Common to try to control that other person.

We are concerned about what they're thinking. What they're feeling, what they're going to do, what they're not going to do. The amount of energy that it takes to navigate someone else's human brain is exhausting. And it disempowers you. It takes away from the energy that you could use to create what you want.

And that looks like how you want to navigate divorce. You get to think and feel whatever you want about divorce, about how you approach divorce. It doesn't have to be scary. It doesn't have to be overwhelming.

You get to decide how you want to approach each step and that might feel. Weird scary foreign or like full graph. Okay. But I really, again, I'm this podcast I'm hoping to push your brain, push your brain to thinking things that it hasn't thought before, because if it had you probably wouldn't be here.

Okay. So the first thing I want you to consider.

Is what do I actually have power over? So when you draw a circle on a piece of paper, Okay. I want you to draw a circle on a piece of paper and inside that circle, I want you to write thoughts, feelings and actions. Thoughts feelings and actions.

Okay. You get to think whatever you want about all of it.

Your thoughts, create your emotions. Which leads to the actions that you take through this

And what I want to offer you in this podcast are perhaps new thoughts, new ways of thinking about this journey. Because. Again, your thought creates your emotion. And when we have thoughts that create the emotion of fear or worry or anxiety and downright overwhelm, and now we're just like not doing anything.

That energy, that level of energy is going to keep you stuck. It's going to affect your actions and how you show up, how you show up in all different aspects along this path. And eventually. It's going to give. The results that you might not be happy Okay. So you have control over your thoughts, feelings, and actions. So other things that I want you to put in that bubble.

You have control over your ability to be present. Your ability to be present and see things as they really are your ability. While you are accomplishing these goals, taking that next hard step towards the next right thing for you in your journey. You have the control to be present in that moment?

You have control over your breath. Okay. You get to choose. How many breaths you take? I know that might be like, what. But I am. I'm a breath holder.

I am queen of holding my

Your breath helps you to be present. Your breath helps you to navigate these stressful situations. When I hold my breath. My heart rate starts to slow down. My body goes into shutdown mode. I did not realize how often I was holding my breath. I think I've been doing it my whole life. And the more I have consciously been aware of my breath and choosing, okay. So when I say you have control of your breath, like here's how I control When I start to feel that overwhelm. Which essentially is a trauma response, right? When my brain starts, when my body starts to shut down freeze or flight. When I find myself in that space,

Okay. I have to remind myself, I have control over my breath. So at that point, I realized I'm not breathing. Or I'm doing those short. Gaspe kind of breaths. And so what I consciously have to choose to do. Is taking a deep breath in. Hold two seconds.

And exhale for And I will do that at least three times. To control and be in charge and have power over the breath. That helps me to navigate , those overwhelm experiences. Okay. So I put that in my circle. So I'm having you making you put that in your bubble, but that in your bubble. Okay.

You have control over that? The other thing you have control over is boundaries. Boundaries are between you and What you allow, what is okay. And isn't okay. How much time you give the way you choose to live your life. Okay. What you allow in your Who you allow in your sandbox, those boundaries.

You have control over them that goes in your bubble.

The other thing is how you respond, how you communicate. That absolutely is in your bubble. Now, when you are navigating divorce, your communication with your soon to be X or X is critical here, and we're going to have lots of episodes But I want to just point out and have you put that in your bubble because I'm going to have you put this like up somewhere on your wall, where you can see this all the time and remind yourself what is in your control, how you communicate, what comes out of your mouth.

Absolutely is in your control. I don't want you to start thinking What it is you want to say, or if you even want to

Okay.

The last thing I want you to put in your bubble. AVOR what you have control over. And this is not an, and by the way, none of these are in any order. Like these are all very important. And this one is of equal importance and that safety. You have control. Over your safety boundaries are going to help you do that.

But your emotional, mental, physical, Sexual.

Safety is absolutely in your control.

I know it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

When you're experiencing any type of abuse in the relationship that safety is being taken away, stripped away in so many different areas. And we don't realize it all the time. You don't realize that it doesn't feel safe to have a voice, but if I do, if I do speak up, if I do say this thing, Share concern. Or say no. W what's the repercussion. What happens? And starting to get a little bit more curious about what that might look for you and recognize that doesn't feel safe. But I have a right to safety. And. I just want you to start. With putting that in your bubble. For those of you, especially who.

Might not feel safe in a relationship and don't know quite how to create that for yourself

But at least our believing that you do have a right. That this isn't what marriage. Requires. Right. Being in a relationship doesn't require you to forgo your safety or your. Your rights.

So that absolutely is in your control

We just need to learn how to take that control I would imagine you feel very out of control. So let's come back to what is in this bubble when you notice that you have that? Oh my gosh. Things just feel all over the place and it feels like I'm spinning so many plates right now. And I don't know, they're all going to drop. They're all going to crash.

Stop take a deep breath. And remind yourself of what you can control.

All right. Let's start there. And as you do it, we'll shift things for you because that is how you create something

And even if that starting with practicing. Noticing what you have control over and what Where you have power and where you don't. And right now, as you're navigating a very difficult life-changing experience. It is essential that you, as much as possible, you will not do this a hundred percent of the time. It's just not like physically possible.

As a human. But as much as possibly want to navigate this from a place of empowerment, from a place of choice, conscious. Choice.

That will. Align with your value system, the way that you want to show up in your life. You will be more proud of the way that you handle this huge life altering experience. It will eliminate shame. It will eliminate When you practice. Showing up from a place of empowerment, but you cannot do that when we

Over in someone else's bubble.

Okay, so trying to stay in your bubble with what you have control over is where we're going to start. I want each of you to know. That you are not alone on this journey. And thank you for allowing me to walk alongside you. On this difficult and painful. Decision. They're going to be a lot of you in different stages along this So hopefully I will be able to tackle some of the topics that will be beneficial to you. Feel free to write in.

On topics that you would love for me to do a podcast episode on. But again, thank you for joining and please know that you are

that you are 100%. Lovable. That nothing is wrong with

You are whole and complete just as you are. Thank you for joining and i will see you next time