144. Rejecting Self-Rejection

 Hello. Hello, my amazing, beautiful listeners. How are you today? Thank you for being with me. Take a moment to be with you. Take a moment to breathe and to notice your breath. Feel the breath filling your belly. Notice your chest rise and your ribs expand, holding that breath. For a couple seconds and then exhaling.

I hope that you continue to keep breathing and noticing your breath throughout the rest of the day

Do this a couple times. Be with your breath and notice it in your body. the more we are watching it and paying attention to it, we can be more in the present moment. And as you're going through difficult, challenging times, it is so important to take as many moments as we can. To pause, to slow down and to connect with our body.

Our body works so hard, and sometimes in overtime when. Just going through trauma when it is worried about the future, and one of the things that we can worry about is being rejected.

When there's so many things going on right now in your life, so many things to worry about, so many emotions to be felt.

one of the emotions that a lot of us try really hard to avoid feeling is rejection. Rejection is so painful. Many of you have felt the deep pain of rejection due to your partner's betrayal.

Whether this is bringing up an old wound, because you have previously experienced this in childhood,

rejection is not just an event. It is an emotional wound, many of us have carried this wound for decades. Sometimes people think rejection is situational. Like you didn't get the job, someone broke up with you, someone just ignored your text. you didn't get invited to the party or the dinner, or.

Or the cousin's wedding. But for those of you who've experienced betrayal, abuse, and divorce, rejection isn't just a moment that happens. It is this echo over and over of that wound, it's been layered and layered and layered over time. Those of you who are scared to navigate a future relationship, this is one of the things that that many of you'll communicate to me is something you're afraid of happening again. Well, I don't want to be rejected again.

I don't wanna be betrayed. it triggers all of the fears of the old survival of not being wanted or not being enough, being too much or being feeling invisible,

perhaps believing that you're only lovable if you're perfect, and if you're not, then you will be rejected.

What's interesting is the body and the nervous system don't know the difference between today's rejection and decades old rejection, it's gonna respond like it's happening all over again. Healing isn't about shaming those reactions. It really is about gently teaching your body a new story.

if this did form when you were a child, perhaps you weren't, you didn't feel chosen, you didn't feel seen, you didn't feel, uh, validated by your caregivers. Or maybe in early adulthood you had toxic friends, abusive relationships, betrayals. And now in your past relationship there's this ongoing invalidation, betrayal and a lot of emotional neglect.

So each of these rejections pile and pile Onto each other, and it's not because you are weak or doing something wrong, but because the original wound never got fully witnessed or healed. So each rejection piles onto the last and now you might not even need somebody else to reject you because now you are preemptively rejecting yourself just to avoid the pain of someone else doing it.

this is gonna show up as, I'm just gonna stay small. I won't speak up. I don't need anything. Then nobody can hurt me.

Rejection isn't just about being disliked or not invited to the party, it has at its root, rejection touches survival. So when humans evolved, being rejected by the tribe literally meant death. And so the nervous system still holds on to that old wiring that rejection equals danger. especially for betrayed women whose safety was shattered by someone who they loved and trusted rejection feels like this life threat, even if logically they know it isn't.

I see the battle between the two often,

or even innocent interactions can feel like rejection because that nervous system is still on high alert. When your nervous system has been trained by abuse or betrayal, then it's gonna interpret everyday life things as a threat. It's not trying to sabotage you, it's really trying to protect you in the best way that it, that it knows how your central nervous system knows how.

Healing isn't about shaming those reactions. It really is about gently teaching your body a new story.

I know that when many of you talk about dating, again, leaning back in, getting serious, the fear of rejection comes up pretty quick. And oftentimes the interpretation is what's wrong with me? I'm weak or even fragile, and I just want you to know that you're not afraid of rejection because you're fragile.

You're afraid of it because you've already lived through the kind of rejection that absolutely broke your world apart, and betrayal. Trauma isn't just about cheating or lying. It's about feeling, uh, erased, replaced, and abandoned while you are still fighting for connection.

So this episode I wanna unpack what rejection really means for women who are healing after betrayal, trauma, abuse, and divorce, and how you can start walking forward perhaps one day in a new relationship with this fear gone. Without this fear attached to you

And when rejection is being experienced as an emotional pain.

It's using the same neural pathways that it uses with physical pain. Yes. You heard me right.

There was a study done in UCLA in their social cognitive neuroscience lab around this, and in part. what they found is that the part of our brain that lights up when we burn our hand on the stove is the same region that activates when you feel ignored, excluded, abandoned, or rejected. This pain is registering for all of you brain nerds in the anterior cingulate cortex and, the insula, both of which play major roles in detecting pain and threats to safety.

Doesn't it make sense now why those of you who hear me talk about dating your brain, this part of your brain is gonna light up and be like, not a chance. I am not burning my hand on the stove again.

It means that because your ex cheated on you and chose someone else

when they minimized your pain, ignored your cries. When someone ghosts you or dismisses your vulnerability, your brain doesn't just register that as emotionally uncomfortable. It treats it like an actual wound, like you burned your hand on the stove like you've been physically hurt. then here's the kicker.

For those of us who've experienced be trauma.

Because you've already experienced chronic emotional and relational pain to someone that you were connected to, bonded to in a relationship attached to, now your brain is gonna become even more sensitive to perceived rejection to Even the slightest perceived rejection might not even actually be rejection. It's gonna perceive just about everything it can as rejection, because that neural pathway, it's already worn in Like that analogy I've given you before, when you're hiking up a trail, it is a trail in your brain that has been hiked up and down, up and down.

And so even these small moments like someone not texting back or someone not inviting you to lunch with everybody else can feel like an absolute full blown threat.

For your body. It's not just a text that didn't get responded to. It's a reminder of that time, that love in your life, and your awareness and your reality disappeared without a warning. So it's going to flare up that nervous system, and your nervous system is going to say, danger, danger, danger.

You are being abandoned and rejected again. Now, why does this matter? Because I know that some of you really deep down want a healthy relationship. You do want to connect, but your brain is firing off this threat, this warning as If you get on a dating site, you're going to literally burn your hand on a stove

because your body's trying really, really hard to protect you from what it already knows. Hurt like hell. this is why healing the fear of rejection. Isn't just a a mindset work. It isn't just changing the way that you think about it. However, it will be helpful and I will offer a couple reframes, but this is also why affirmations don't always work because this is also body work, nervous system work.

It's trauma-informed healing.

Rejection becomes not just a threat to connection, but to our identity, to our safety, and even to our worth. When you have felt like you were second best or not chosen first, when you were lied to or compared objectified, then it makes any future possibility of rejection, feel life-threatening and very, very possible.

Some of you might not even realize that these thoughts of rejection or fear of rejection are coming up.

, so some common thoughts that you might relate to or not even realize that you're thinking is, well, what if I'm never chosen again? What if I get on the dating apps or I put myself out there and no one chooses me? Goodness. Do I remember thinking that?

Because in addition to what if I'm never chosen again, I was thinking, why wasn't I enough for him to stop doing what he was doing? Why wasn't I enough for him to stop his addiction? if I do get close to somebody else, then they're probably gonna realize that I'm just too much, too damaged, too broken.

Too triggered, too loud. so dating is gonna sound absolutely terrifying because there's no way that I can survive being left again. I'd rather be alone than risk. Feeling the pain of that. One more time. then those of you that are afraid of being alone are gonna go in a double spiral, but you're not weak for thinking these things. This is how your brain adapts and protects.

I think there's also a lot of miscon misconceptions around rejection. For example, I'll hear things like, well. If I was rejected, then it means that I wasn't good enough. When the truth is rejection says more about the other person's capacity, whether it's their capacity for love, for healing, for

their own love, it has nothing to do with your worth. Many of you think avoiding rejection is gonna protect you from being hurt.

, this is just avoidance. And avoidance is often protecting old wounds, not actually your present self. So in reality, this kind of thinking, if I just avoid, right, avoid dating, avoid all of all of it, you're just keeping love out. then I also see those of you perfectionists thinking if you were perfect enough or try to be perfect enough or do it right, then you won't be rejected.

A lot of that can be subconscious, but

the truth is perfectionism is self-rejection or just wearing a mask because the truth is you are allowed to be fully human and still be chosen.

Where I see most of us get stuck with rejection is that we are rejecting ourselves first. Self-rejection can create a vicious loop, a lot of us will get stuck in it. when you silence your needs. In order to avoid confrontation, that's self-rejection when you are dismissing your feelings because, uh, it's not that big of a deal that's self-rejection when you are not going after your real desires.

it's a job, maybe it's a relationship.

A new hobby,

believing it won't work out. You don't have time, or you won't be good enough anyway. That self-rejection when you accept breadcrumbs from somebody, just little bit of love here and a little bit of love there. Nice here, nice there.

That self rejection because you're believing it's better than nothing. When you try to out earn rejection by being the fixer or the problem solver, or the caretaker, or the easy one, the one that doesn't require much, I am so easy to love because I'm not gonna ask you for anything that's self-rejection.

Rejection hurts most when it confirms something. We've already been telling ourself, when we can really start to be aware of what those self-rejection beliefs and phrases that we're telling ourself healing those is gonna break the loop of self-rejection.

here's five things that you can do to rewire your relationship with rejection. I wanna include some somatic things, some cognitive things, because we need a little bit of both. I remember having a coach of mine years ago offer this to me, and it has stuck with me ever since, and I love it. I use it mainly with friendships now in my life or other relationships that I had maybe hoped would have lasted or.

Wouldn't have ended the way that they did and instead of making it mean something about me or believing that I was too much, or once again not enough, a reframe that I love is the relationship completed itself. Isn't that such a beautiful reframe? I've had many friendships along the way throughout the years.

Different states that I've lived in, different houses that I've lived in, in the same state where just because of proximity or the kids' ages or groups. Or sports that I was involved in. I had close friends in each one of those different stages, and the expectation of every single one of those close friends along the way should be my best friend.

Today is a little unrealistic. I could make some of those people that just kind of, once they found out I was divorcing and I did move, that just never reached out ever again. I can absolutely sit here and feel rejected and make it mean something that, see, I wasn't a good enough friend for them to what?

Reach out and call me and say, Hey, how are you? I heard that you divorced. Anything I can do. I know you don't live here anymore, but I just want you to know I miss you. That would've been nice. Right? Or, and I can see her and feel like. Run through my mind all the different ways that maybe I wasn't a good enough friend to deserve that kind of reaching out or respect.

Or I can say, you know what? That relationship completed itself. it served its purpose in Little League or TaeKwonDo, or in the neighborhood, being able to tell myself that the relationship taught me something. It's done now and it's okay. I.

We can ask for what we want from safe people in little small ways

where we lean into safe vulnerability. ' cause perhaps dating is a little too big of a vulnerability, so we need to practice vulnerability in smaller ways, maybe. With someone safe, start to express your thought or opinion about something, maybe state a boundary.

I call these micro exposures where we're exposing ourself what we think, feel, want, need, and are vulnerable. Vulnerable with that in small micro doses. Remember part of your wise femininity is vulnerability, and that got thrown way out of whack. So we need to step back into vulnerability, but we can do it with these little micro exposures.

Where we're still being stretched just enough to build nervous system tolerance to being seen, to being vulnerable, and to possibly even being rejected.

So it was starting to ask for what you want, maybe telling a friend, Hey, can we talk later? I really need to be heard right now. or going to a restaurant and maybe making a request to sit outside when the hostess is walking you inside.

Starting to express your opinions when you're in a group with other people,

especially if your opinion is different. Saying things like, you know, that's really interesting, but I actually see things a little bit differently.

When you have a group of friends and they ask, where would you like to go out to eat? Or, what movie do you prefer? How many of you just defer to somebody else? How about actually expressing your opinion of what you would prefer?

another micro expression of vulnerability is having boundaries. Learning to say no. Saying, I need to reschedule. I'm just really running on empty right now. And then starting to lean into sharing your feelings, letting people know that they mean a lot to you. Telling people that you feel kind of off today instead of answering the How are you today?

Fine. Good, fine, fine. Everything's fine. Maybe just saying, you know what, I'm feeling a little off today. Or gosh that hurt a little.

Just try choosing one small thing a day that feels like a stretch, not a leap, not that deeper raw vulnerability. Just enough for your body to learn that it is safe to be seen again. Again, you are rebuilding your nervous system tolerance to being seen. Another reframe or practice is daily self validation.

Putting on your mirror, putting on a sticky notes, things that say, I am a hundred percent of worth and value, even if nobody sees it today.

Rejection can never take away my enoughness. I am always enough.

and then it. And then it's important to self-reflect what part of you fears rejection the most? Is it your inner child? Is it the performer part? Is it a protector?

Recognizing that part, validating it. Of course, you're scared. Of course you don't wanna get hurt again, but I've got you now letting that part of you know that it can rely on you to never reject it again. This is how you pull yourself out of self rejection and getting a little bit stronger, more grounded and rooted so that if somebody in your life.

Doesn't wanna hang out with you or doesn't want a second date, we're not making it mean something about us intrinsically. We're not going, we're not taking that deep dive and pulling out our worth and our value and our enoughness and chalking it into the street. gotta hold on to all parts of you, no matter what people outside of you think or say.

Those of you who have anxious attachment, when you are afraid of rejection, this is going to show up as maybe over communicating, really trying to o to reassure someone else that you're not pulling away, so you're gonna overshare maybe how much they mean to you, or how much you love them or enjoy being with them.

People pleasing, right? Again, it's you wanna be chosen, you wanna be kept, you're gonna go to great lengths to please all the people. then if they don't respond in the way that you expect or think they should or immediately like delay text or even a vague response, you're gonna feel absolutely devastated.

Because underneath is gonna be that fear of rejection. If you're avoiding attachment, then you might withhold vulnerability ' cause you're trying to protect yourself. I'm gonna preemptively make sure that I'm not gonna get hurt by keeping you at a very safe. Distance. you might be ghosting or emotionally shutting down before anybody gets too close.

Because again, I don't wanna be hurt again, don't wanna be rejected. This is where I see a lot of hyper independent people live believing that I don't need anybody anyway. I can do it on my own. Hyper independence is actually not secure attachment. It's a shield.

fear of rejection is gonna hijack connection because it makes everything about survival, not about authentically relating or connecting to somebody. when this kind of rejection becomes familiar, it makes sense why we show up differently in relationships

the beautiful thing is, no matter how deeply these patterns are rooted or it's involved in attachment, they are not permanent because healing is gonna start small. It's gonna start in the everyday moments where you choose to stay with yourself instead of abandoning yourself. Asking yourself every day, where did I abandon my own feelings or my needs?

No shame. Just curiosity. If you find yourself saying, it's fine, I'm probably just being too sensitive. Pause, where might I be abandoning my, abandoning my emotions?

Where might I be silencing my voice and not speaking up because I don't wanna say the right thing, or I don't wanna be judged

emotionally, gaslighting yourself, feeling hurt or dismissed because you're telling yourself, I shouldn't feel this way. Making too, uh, too big of a deal about nothing. If you're emotionally gaslighting yourself.

You've already lived through one of the deepest kinds of rejection, When the person that you promised to love the most and they promised to love you, they didn't protect you. You've survived that. now you get to build a relationship with yourself, not to never be rejected again. So hear me correctly, but so that if it happens, when it happens, it's no longer going to absolutely undo you.

It's not going to mean anything about who you are. You can keep it external because you're not going to allow someone else's thoughts, opinions, or rejection of you become internal. This is the kind of work that we do in my dating within workshop. We heal the fears, we heal the patterns, we heal the nervous system.

But most of all, the relationship that you have with you dating yourself again is what this is all about. Loving yourself again, healing yourself, and stop rejecting yourself first.

it will allow you to lean into relationships with more ease, with more confidence. With more authenticity. You don't have to hide. You don't have to hide parts of you or pretend to have certain parts of you that don't exist in order to get that connection in fear of being rejected. So if you're feeling pulled towards this journey of leaning back in, dating yourself.

I would love to support you there. The next workshop is June 12th, 13th and 14th. yes, we will talk about rejection and so many more topics, topics to help you lean back into a healthy relationship to know what a healthy relationship even looks like. But first. To cultivate a healthy relationship with you because your relationship with you matters the most

because it's you and you that get to create the life that you want because you can take care everybody.