162. Why You Still Care After Divorce:

Hello. Hello, my amazing, beautiful listeners. How are you? Time for a body check. Time for a break. Time for a pause, because a lot of you don't take that time. So you've clicked on this episode. You've taken time to listen to me. Let's take a little time to listen to you. Listen to your body.

Listen to your body. Breathe. Just take a moment, put your hand over your heart. Feel your breath as you breathe in. Notice your body and how it responds as you breathe in on that big inhale, and notice how your body responds. You deeply. Exhale. Do that a few times, watching your chest rise, your ribs expand.

If you notice some activation in your body, as you breathe out, send that breath to that part of your body that feels activated right now, giving it a little attention, a little love.

Taking a moment to just say hi to your body, because most of you probably haven't done that in a while.

And as you have your hand over your heart, this is what I wanna talk about today. Your big, beautiful heart and what you do, 📍 and what to do, when your heart still cares for someone, but that someone is hurting you, has hurt you, continues to hurt you. It can feel very confusing when you're going through a divorce due to betrayal.

When his choices are so out of integrity, when post-separation and divorce have shown you even more who this person really was, the entire time that you were married to them. But you're just now starting to really wrap your head around the reality of who this person is.

Yet they show up in nice ways, and I use the word nice and not kind on purpose, but you're seeing maybe some things that they do that maybe are some of the old him that you thought was kind, or maybe they offered to do something that they didn't really have to do, and it feels really confusing because then right around the corner they're doing something really awful, really mean, really hurtful.

There's a push-pull dynamic, so to speak, that is happening. You, I'd be asking yourself, how do I just stop caring? How do I stop fixing? How do I stop rescuing? How do I really stop engaging in the chaos? Because that's really what's happening. It's total chaos.

I've seen this where the ex is with someone else and my client is hoping that the ex changes, that they are better, that maybe they are healthier and happier, and if they're healthy and happier, then that just means they're gonna treat me better, they're gonna treat my kids better. So it feels useful to still care, yet they're still being harmed.

If you're wondering this, if you're experiencing this, you're not alone. Today, I wanna help you understand why this pull is so strong, why the chaos feels so addictive, and how you can find that balance that protects your kind heart without shutting it down. Because what I often see happen is it feels so dangerous to be kind.

It feels dangerous, harmful, never productive, weaponized when you show up kind, when you show up in integrity, when you follow the parenting plan, when you make an adjustment to the parenting schedule because they would like to do something extra, have the kids extra, but heaven forbid you do that because it just gets thrown in your face or weaponized, and you want to be nice, you want to be kind.

That's who you are, but it's not really working out for you. That 📍 caring impulse may feel very confusing, but it does make sense. It's been your body's way of trying to keep you safe.

And for years, your nervous system may have believed that if, if you keep calm, if you fix things, if you rescue, then you'll be safe. So your brain learned that rescuing was protection. And the truth is that for many of you, you really are at your core, caring, empathetic, compassionate human being.

That doesn't just turn off because they betrayed you and you're divorced. So when you feel your heart pulling towards them. It is not weakness. It really is evidence of your humanity. Feeling caring doesn't mean that you have to act on it either. Your heart is proof of who you are. Boundaries are what keeps that heart safe, but all of this can feel like an emotional rollercoaster ride. It's like part of you wants to go on the ride. It believes that you might have a good experience this time, but then you get off and you feel sick, nauseous. I wonder why the heck you got on that ride,

and yet it feels impossible to just walk away from this kind of chaos. Before you judge yourself, here are a few things that might be happening because like I said, sometimes your ex will show 📍 up nice. They will maybe show up remorseful or like the person you hoped for; other times they harm. That unpredictability is gonna keep your nervous system hooked just like a slot machine. It's called intermittent reinforcement. It literally rewires your brain and nervous system to stay hooked even in those unsafe relationships.

Now, if we have someone that is consistently cruel or consistently kind, your brain can categorize them pretty easily, safe or unsafe. Trustworthy. Not trustworthy. But when they're sometimes nice—'cause kind is consistent—when they're sometimes nice, remorseful, or even loving, and other times harmful, dismissive, and cruel,

that unpredictability creates a very powerful, yet unhealthy bond. Your brain gets caught in the loop: maybe this time they'll change and be kind. Maybe this time I'll finally get the respect and the love that I've been waiting for. It's the same mechanism that keeps people pulling the lever in the slot machine.

The occasional win, even if it's small and rare, makes the brain chase it even harder than if the machine just paid out a lot of money consistently. The most powerful bond isn't created by consistency.

It's created by unpredictability. That's why it feels impossible to walk away from the rollercoaster. Another reason why it's really hard to get outta the chaos is that we have highs—high chemicals—and low chemicals that are flooding your body, and then the body becomes

addicted to those highs and lows. So on one hand, during conflict, your body is going to get flooded 📍 with adrenaline 📍 and cortisol. Those are the stress hormones. Those stress hormones actually sharpen your senses. It puts you on very high alert. Your senses are very heightened. You might feel like you have to respond or you have to fix something,

like right now. This is your nervous system going into survival mode. On the other side of it, during relief or moments that feel more hopeful—like when maybe they apologize or maybe their tone softens, maybe there's brief reconnection happening—in those moments, your body's gonna release dopamine, which is a reward chemical, and oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone.

Those are gonna feel very soothing. It's gonna feel like you're gonna get like a, a hit of safety and connection. Even if it's temporary, it feels really good. So we have the high and the low chemicals. That wires your brain 'cause it's very extreme on either end. Just like addiction, your body starts to crave the next spike, whether it's drama or whether it's relief.

Your nervous system can. Your nervous system is now gonna con, often confuse chaos with connection. Because both are flooding the body with really intense chemistry. Another way that I see this play out is the illusion of control. Every time you fix or rescue, you feel temporary relief, which gives an illusion of control, but it is not lasting.

It will not last long term. It's not sustainable. It's not love that keeps you locked in the chaos; it is chemistry and that old wiring, all of those old behaviors and patterns in that relationship that are really unhealthy. And so again, chaos can feel like connection when your nervous system doesn't know what real healthy safety actually feels like.

So it's so confusing, and I share all that with you to really validate why this is so confusing and why it's so hard and why I have clients come that say, why do I still care when I know that he's harming me? Okay, so how do we break out of—this is probably what y'all are asking right now in your mind, right?

Yelling at me through the phone. Okay. Stop this. Well, as always, our first pillar of healing is awareness. It's always that first step. Simply naming what's happening is gonna take some of that shame away, some of the self-blame, self-judgment that may might be showing up as you heard me just explain what is really happening. So instead of saying, well, I just must be weak because I still care, you can say, this isn't love. This is my body,

chasing the chaos that it's so used to. This little tiny shift really matters. It reminds you that what you're experiencing in your nervous system is not— it's not a moral failing. It has nothing to do even with your intrinsic worth, value, enoughness. This is a learned behavior. This is how you learned to stay safe in that relationship.

Awareness is gonna give you cause for pause. It's gonna give you an opportunity to slow down so that you can make a choice. When you see the pattern, you don't have to be swept up in it. So this is why, just noticing when it happens, even if you go into the old pattern, even if you fix, even if you rescue, even if you, right. That's not really the issue right now. If you just—even after you do the thing—you are like, oh my gosh, I just gave in again,

trying to be kind, hoping that he would then respond with kindness, and sure enough, it just got weaponized against me. Dadgumit. Okay, I can see what happened. I see the pattern. I'm aware of it. It does not matter when you become aware. It's just,

be aware. Just name it, call it out. Go, aha, that's what just happened, or, oh, I'm about to step into that role. Okay. Number two, regulation. Once you've named it, your body is gonna be buzzing with adrenaline or craving that hit of dopamine. So instead of giving it to them, go to your body.

Do something that moves the energy through. Take 10 slow deep breaths, exhaling longer than you inhale. So we breathe in, and then you slow that exhale down even longer. Or you shake your arms and legs for 30 seconds, right? You're discharging all of that adrenaline. Just shake your body, shake your legs, shake your head—30 seconds. Or you put your hand on your heart, you just close your eyes and you say, okay, hold on.

I'm safe. I'm here. I don't need to jump into that role. Or get outside. Walk outside. Walk through your grass barefoot, touch a tree. Notice your surroundings. Notice the sun. Orient to the direction of the sun. These are just some examples of how to regulate, connect back to your body. This is huge. This is important.

Don't skip this. Think of it like a surf, like surfing a wave. That urge to engage will rise, peak, and then fall. Your job is to ride it without reaching for him as if it's the life raft, because that is what your nervous system is doing every time you go into that chaotic role. Regulation is how you teach your nervous system,

you know what, I can survive this feeling without reaching out for him for that life, right? Raft without going back into the chaos. Number three is replacement. So the caring impulse that you had, remember, is not bad. It is not wrong. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It just needs a safer place to land.

They're not safe. We keep going back and showing our kindness and having it land in an unsafe place. We just need to redirect it. Find a replacement. Instead of pouring it to someone who weaponizes it, we redirect it towards something or someone that's actually nourishing. So call a safe friend. Write in your journal.

Make something yummy to eat that nourishes you. Tend to your kids, your pets. Squeeze your animal. Love a plant. Water the plant. Write yourself a letter of validation. Give yourself that respect that you've been craving. Give yourself that validation of your kindness that you aren't gonna get from that unsafe person.

Replacement isn't about cutting off your, your caring nature. And that's what I see a lot of times my clients will do. They swing way on the other side of the pendulum and try to shut that part of them off. It's not possible. This is who you are, and that is not a bad thing. We have to protect it. We have to re-aim it somewhere that it's not gonna be exploited.

And then the last thing is consistency. The hardest but most powerful piece is right here. Every time you resist the pull to engage, you're rewiring your nervous system. Hallelujah. You're teaching your body a new truth. You're teaching your body, you know what, I can feel the urge, but I don't have to act on it.

Think of it like charging a battery. Each boundary you hold, each time you pause instead of texting back, every time you redirect instead of rescuing or overexplaining, you are adding one more percent of power back to your battery, back to your system, instead of draining it. That consistency is how you're gonna start trusting yourself.

It's absolutely how that self-trust is rebuilt. It's moment by moment, line upon line, choice by choice. You really don't have to fight that part of you that still cares, and that ultimately is what I'm hearing when people want help, support, advice to get out of this—they're fighting the part of them that still cares.

Judging, being upset, even angry. You just get to guide this part with awareness, regulation, replacement, and consistency. You're gonna show your heart it can stay kind without staying captive. And here's where I wanna share something that helped me. I called it heart checks. I used to feel my heart pulling towards my ex.

I would care. I would worry. I would wanna step in. A lot of times he was weaponizing, suicidal ideation, things that hold me in understandably. But I also knew it wasn't safe to engage. I also knew that a lot of it wasn't real. It was just a control power thing, and I didn't want that to swing to the pendulum way on the other side by shutting down, going numb, or being cold and heartless.

That didn't feel authentic. That didn't feel true, and it didn't feel like it was aligning with my value system. A heart check became a way for me to pause and honor both. It's that pull my heart feels, that tug to care, and then the pause. It's okay for me to feel this. This means that I have a heart that is working, that is human, that is kind.

I love that about myself. The boundary is that it's not safe to act on this with him. My heart deserves protection from him because he does not honor, respect, or reverence that part of me. So I need to. Every time I put myself in a situation where I expose that to someone that's unsafe, I'm self-betrayed.

I'm setting myself up for harm. Boundaries do not erase your compassion. They keep it sacred. Your caring nature is and never has been the problem. The problem is when it gets weaponized. Boundaries are there to protect your kindness from becoming that liability,

I know that there's a lot of you that still want and hope that he will change. That part can feel really stubborn. It can feel really relentless and even frustrating. So you might be asking yourself, why do I even care if he changes? Why can't I not just move on? That's the part that's holding on to hope, because if he changes, then maybe you'll feel respected.

Then maybe you'll finally get the validation that you deserve. The problem is it's outsourcing your healing to someone who has already shown that they are not safe. It's seeking the repair, the validation, the respect,

thinking that that is the only way that you're gonna get it. It's asking your wound to be healed by the person who caused it. That longing, in all honesty, really isn't for them. It's for what you want to feel inside yourself. Respect, validated, worthy, safe. The good news is that you can give that to yourself.

So a gentle reframe here, and I say gentle on purpose. Be very gentle with yourself here. Instead of fighting with that part of you, we get curious: what am I really wanting from this? Do I want respect? Do I wanna be seen? Do I wanna be valued? Do I wanna be validated? Once you name those deeper needs, now you can start to begin that work of giving that to yourself instead of waiting for them to change.

When we are hoping for it, when they're—when we are wanting it from them, expecting it from them, still reaching out to them for that. Like if I'm kind, if I give in, if I readjust the schedule, then maybe I'll get said need. You are giving them the power. Having an empowered divorce is taking your power back.

You absolutely get to give yourself those things that you need. It's not wrong to want respect and validation. It's wrong to believe that he's the only source of that.

One of my clients once told me that if he just admitted that he was wrong. If he just showed me respect, I'd finally feel like I mattered. That is a very human desire. The truth, however, is that every time she looked to him for that, she stayed on that rollercoaster of disappointment. She got on the ride hoping it would be different, fun, exhilarating,

but then she got off nauseous, sick. Disappointed it wasn't what she expected. That turning point came when she realized that she can't make him that source of her validation anymore. She had to become her own source.

Now, if you are listening today and you feel like you are caught in between caring too much and trying to shut your heart off, I really hope that this message resonated with you today. I hope that you know that you don't have to choose either one, that you get to honor and protect your heart at the same time.

Chaos doesn't have to be your normal anymore. You absolutely get to step out of that rollercoaster. You do not have to get on that ride anymore, one choice at a time, and remind your body what calm and safety really feels like. We don't need the extreme adrenaline rush of that rollercoaster anymore.

Going on a simple walk around the block, might feel wrong because you're so used to the adrenaline of the rollercoaster. We have to reteach your nervous system that a walk is actually safe. It's actually helpful. It's fulfilling. It can be joyful. It's good. It's a healthy dose of all of those chemicals that I talked about today.

It's just being redirected to the one person that deserves it the most right now, and that is you. So you don't have to stop being who you are. That kind, beautiful, big-hearted person. That respects humanity. You just get to stop abandoning yourself in the process. Remember, as always, you are the creator in your life and you can create your new sense of calm.

You can create kindness. You can create care with safe people, 📍 and you get to create the life that you want because you can. Take care everybody.