7. Financial Empowerment Through Divorce; Healing From Divorce

 Hello? Hello, my amazing, awesome, beautiful listeners. Thank you for joining me today on the empowered divorce podcast. I'm thrilled to have. A guest here who not only is one of my lifelong friends. But an amazing resource for all of you who are navigating finances through divorce after divorce. This is one of the main reasons why a lot of the women that I coach.

Have a hard time making that decision. They get stuck in this. Should I stay or should I go a lot of the time because of the financial aspect? I'm really excited. For you to hear some of the amazing thoughts and resources that Melissa has to offer you today., because she is extremely gifted in qualified., to offer you some thoughts here, around this. Now we're going to have a couple more episodes. I've got some really great things in mind to have more. Resources around finances in the future to help you out here today. We're just going to start out very basic with. Just a couple of things that you can consider.

To help you around finances. And most importantly, help you feel a sense of empowerment. As you navigate money through and especially after your divorce.

I'm thrilled to bring you this interview today. So enjoy. All right, here Melissa, thank you again for joining me today. We're talking specifically about finances. This is one of the biggest fears that a lot of women have about leaving the relationship.

How am I gonna make it financially? So those of you who are listening, majority of you whether you're navigating through the divorce process or you are divorced, the goal today is to help you feel a lot more empowered around your finances. And the first thing I wanna just offer you is to remind you that money is neutral.

Money is not bad, money is not good, money is neutral. And your thoughts about money, Is going to affect the way you feel about money, which is going to affect what you do with money. And so right off the bat, I'm gonna, usually I do this at the end, but right off, I'm gonna have you write Money is neutral on a piece of paper, , and start to get curious about what your current thoughts are about money.

Sometimes, most of the time we have a scarcity mindset around money. We feel like we don't have enough. We're never gonna have enough. We can't get money. So just get some awareness on what your brain is offering you right now about money. And the goal with this episode is to offer you some empowering thoughts and ideas and tools to help maybe shift from some of those thoughts that are more scarcity and fear based to more empowerment around money.

Because you get to think whatever you want about. Money. So Melissa, thank you so much for joining today. I'm gonna invite you to just give our listeners a little bit of an intro on what you do for a living and your background around finance so that they know your amazing qualifications and why they should listen to you I, my first qualification is that I'm going through a divorce, so I know what it looks like how challenging that can be. I do have degree in finance and I ran a family business for 18 plus years. So I was not only doing family finance, but a business finance. So I've seen lots of different things and just had a lot of experience in that kind of wheelhouse, banking, et cetera.

Yeah. Okay. Love it. All right. Let's just start with some fears around money. I know we've got women in all different situations. A lot of the women I work with have been stay-at-home moms and either have an outdated education or not a completed one or not one at all.

And so the idea of going and getting a job and making money, the thought is, I can't make money. I don't know how to make money. I won't make enough money. What are some things that women can do right now, a term that we use a lot in the Worth Program as pack your wagon. What can you do to pack your wagon and start preparing for that financial responsibility as an individual?

God, there, there's so many things that women need to do, and the first thing I'm gonna talk about is probably an indirect answer to your question, but just about being curious about how you deal with money. And I think that's one of the first things that women need to do is get curious about their relationship with money.

And so I'm gonna recommend a book, it's called The Five Money Personalities, by Scott and Bethany Palmer. And the reason that I like this book is that it goes into like, instead of the five Love languages, your Five Money Personalities, and it teaches you about what your personality is.

None of them are right, none of them are wrong. None of them are good or bad. . But why do you do what you do when. Are dealing with money? Are you a risk taker? Are you a security seeker? Are you a spender? Are you a saver? Are you a flyer? None of those are bad, but when you understand the perspective you have about money, it allows you to know where you need to put your attention.

And if you are currently still in a relationship or if you ever got into a relationship, money is a big player in relationships. And so if you can understand your partner's personality with money, it's much easier to deal with. Yeah. And so that whole getting curious now, I would say if you were still in a relationship or it's still in the healing process, do not read this book yet because it comes from the perspective of a relationship, like a married relationship.

So if you choose to do it, go to the chapter that just is the quiz about figuring out which personality you are and just read that part. because it gives a lot of examples of Joe and Susie are married and this is, you don't need that right now. Yeah. But doing the test, the online test and getting that information about what each personality means and figuring that out, I think makes it a lot easier to deal with money.

If you're a spender, there is nothing wrong with being a spender, but you need to be able to say, This is my spending budget. And have a boundary around what you're allowed to spend. Right. If you're a saver, it's okay that you wanna save money, but you almost have to give yourself permission to spend money.

And so it's just about having boundaries around money, just like you would around a relationship. Yeah. And learn how deal with that. So that's my first recommendation. The second is you need to learn how to budget. Now, a lot of women, if you were a stay at home mom, maybe you didn't make the money, but you controlled how it was used in your home.

And I think when you can learn to have a boundary around your budget and how you spend your money, that is one of the biggest issues because it really doesn't matter how much money you have or don't have if you know how to spend it wisely. So one thing that I think is really important is make it so you can see it.

Whether you use something online like the Mint app or something like that, or if you get a piece of paper out and write your budget app, make it so you can see it. Don't be like, Oh, I think I spend this much. Because when you start writing down every transaction, it is amazing what you may be spending that you don't even.

Yeah. And so I find that's very important. You need to be able to see it and you need to look at it often. I know that a lot of us, like we automate everything. Every utility is paid automatically, the credit card gets paid, and we really don't know what we're spending our money off. And so if you're going from a household where maybe there were two incomes or one income, and now that amount has been drastically reduced, you need to know where all those pennies are going.

And so I think that keeping track of that is really important. I also think that having good people on your side who understand money is really important. Have a good accountant. Find a good financial advisor. Find people who are good at this. If you are not to guide and direct you in this process, there's nothing wrong for help in finding good people.

You go and spend a lot of time finding a good therapist, finding a good attorney, or whatever you need in your situation. Find good people to help you. and pay them for their knowledge because it's invaluable. Yeah. I lo I love the tools that you've just offered so far. And I wanna validate too, how I mean I remember because of the situation, because of the difficulty and being on the same page with my ex around finances and a lot of the hiding of money that was happening that I wasn't aware of.

And anyways I had this idea that I couldn't manage money that I couldn't figure out how to, that I never had enough money and I couldn't ever budget that. And it was interesting because once I left and was on my own and making less , I felt I had more because I was the one in control of it. So I guess I'm offering this idea that if you are in this place, because of your experience in the marriage, and if those finances were, whether there's financial abuse happening or just a lot of discord or arguments not a lot of clarity around the finances.

I wanna just throw that thought out there, that when you become solely in control of it, and like you said, you know where it's going and you know how you're spending it it's really amazing how much more money you actually have. , and I've heard that from so many women too. They're like I actually have money in my account and I never used that money in the account and I make rest.

Is because you are the only one responsible for it. And I know that sounds like no, duh, but I never thought about that when I was anticipating being a single mom. Because I was so entrenched in those thoughts of I can't do money, I never could make it work. Not in an unhealthy relationship, , it adds a different dynamic when you have somebody Yeah. Who is maybe being abusive in that realm as well. And I think just the idea in addition to that is it's okay if life doesn't look exactly the same way financially as it did before. Amen. It is really okay. If you can maintain your standard of living for you and your children, great.

But if you can't right now, that's okay too. It's just a moment where you're getting your feedback. Maybe you need to go back to school. Maybe you need to learn some different skills. That's okay. And this whole keeping up with the Jones is saying, Don't worry about that. Yeah. If you're gonna have food on the table and there are so many resources, let me just say that so many of us, there's a stigma around getting maybe food stamps or financial help through a church or some kind of community program or.

Just take advantage of those. This is a time and a season and if you need help getting on your feet, then that's okay. I actually had a lot of help from my mom when I chose to move out and I used resources from my church and resources from the state that I live in until I got my feet on the ground.

And there's no shame in that. Because whatever it takes to take care of your babies now, do I think that you need to be on that forever? Absolutely not. But it is okay to use that stepping stool to get you to a good place while you figure out how you're gonna do things. Because sometimes you walk out the door and you haven't had time to have a plan, but you were able to get out.

So don't be resources cuz there's so many available. Yeah. I love that you said that and I agree. I remember walking into. The interview to get government help for food and insurance and stuff. And I was crying, like tears were streaming down my face as I was sitting there because it, I just felt like here I am.

And felt a lot of shame in that. And the, it was just such a tender mercy. I don't know how many people she sees a day, that lady that was, helping me. But she looked at me and she says, Honey, I don't know you or your situation, but this program is for people like you. You will be fine. And it was just like such a tender mercy and really helped me to start shifting away from that shame around doing it.

And it's exactly what I needed until I, while I was building my business. And such a blessing. Such a blessing. Yeah. I can't say that enough that it's a time and a season. Use it when you need it. Don't abuse the system, but don't be afraid to use it because that's exactly what it's intended for.

Yep, yep. Yeah. Love it. Okay. All right. Where do you wanna go next with this? I'm not, just some other things to be aware of. If you're a stay at home mom, like I had been for years, I had helped run a business, when you're self-employed and you just go in and help run the books, it's not very impressive to a new employer.

But start writing on resume. Find somebody to help. Find people in your neighborhood or in your ward, or somebody who deals with resumes, write a resume. And you would be surprised when you start thinking about what it takes to run a household. That you have a lot of very marketable skills.

And if you haven't been to school for 20 years and you went to college 20 years ago and you haven't used it, it's still a skill. The knowledge is still in there. So don't discount those kinds of things as well. So a resume is really important. Start thinking about what you're passionate about.

A lot of us may think I'm gonna get this job or go into this field because it makes the most sense. It checks all the boxes, like easier. It's easier if I'm on the exact same schedule as my kids. This is, just something that just, it checks all the boxes. It'll work if you're gonna have to go to work, in my opinion, and be away from your babies.

You do something you love. That, that, that worked for me and that was very important for me. Maybe you have to do things that check the boxes until you can do what you're really passionate about. But I think for women who are going through divorce and maybe have been in abusive or unhealthy relationships, the things that you love have been taken and you probably didn't have a lot of time for yourself or were not given opportunities to do things that you loved.

And I think it's really important that you find passion in your work. If you're gonna have to go back to work to take care of your family, make it something that you enjoy because it makes it a lot easier to walk out the door when you love what you do. Yeah. Than if you read it, it makes it that much harder.

I think that, I mean, I think that's true in almost any circumstances, but especially in this one where maybe going to work is very foreign. Or you haven't done a really long time and you're gonna feel bad about leaving your kids anyway, I can promise you, you will. So you might as well go do something that kind of fills your bucket because you're gonna need to fill your own bucket.

So I think that really important. So do your resume. Try to find things that you're passionate about that you can turn into work, even if that means doing something from home, starting a business. I mean, look at what you, your experience and look what you're doing now. You turned, a very challenging situation into helping other people.

I know a lot of women who have been through some kind of betrayal trauma and now they're coaches and they're helping. So if that's your passion, follow your passion. If you're not sure what your passion is, make a list of all your skills. Start asking people, What do you think I'd be good at? Because other people are really good at seeing good qualities in you, and you might not, or you can see that yet.

I love that idea. . So find people to help you and be willing to try something out. , maybe if you have the ability, take an online course. Hey, I've always wanted to see if I'm interested in this. So do an online course when you can do it at night when your kids are at sleep, that's not very expensive, and give it a try.

You might find something you really love that you never thought you would be interested in. So the world is your oyster. Yeah. I think you really can, you can create the life that you need and want be because you are in a new space. And I'm not trying to discount that you are going through a very hard road, and financially it might be very challenging, emotionally, physically, all of the things, but that doesn't mean you can't create something beautiful.

Right. No, I love that you say that. And when you have the, when you have the mindset, when you step into that creator role as an agent, That's where you access that, that power, that's where you access that higher level anabolic energy. And you will have more energy than you can even imagine to create that new thing for yourself.

But if you're coming at it from a place of, I have to, I'm supposed to, or just like, Oh, that dread, that energy, you're going to, you're not gonna be motivated, You're not going to be open to different ideas and options and opportunities. And so I love what you're saying there, and I think this is where we gotta dig deep.

I mean, that's why I named this the Empowered podcast because, or the Empowered Divorce Podcast, because there's one way to walk through all of this and it's gonna suck the energy out of you even more. And it's gonna suck the life out of you even more. It's gonna create more stress more cortisol, more all kinds of things, more ptsd or you can consciously choose to shift your thinking.

And to step into your power. And I love what you said there. Yes, you have the power to create what you want. And I didn't know that I was letting life happen to me, and I know that a lot of women are in that place. Let's just see what happens and waiting for things to happen, step into the creator role.

So yeah. I love this so much. Yeah. I think that I landed in a spot professionally that I didn't think I could do as a single mom of five kids. But I was shown that I can, and there are really good people out there who want a mom. I think we discount the skill level that we have in managing and multitasking and, making sure things get done.

Yeah. And I think don't discount. Being a stay at home mom or not being in the workplace, that you have so many valuable skills and you just have to start looking at them differently. Beautiful. Gosh, I love that so much. What an amazing shift. Oh, I love it. I love it. Okay, so women who are divorced and now they're, they are working, they're trying to, they have maybe some child support coming.

Lucky you if you do . Yes. Lucky. Lucky. Don't get that. So yeah, enjoy it. Please do . . Yeah. And then so they have maybe some child support, maybe some alimony, but, and maybe a little bit of income. And I know that there's that fear of the future where's, how do I get retirement? How do I plan for the future?

How do I put kids through college? How do I, all of those bigger life experiences that you need bigger money for. There's gonna be some fear around that. So any thoughts to help women start the process of navigating those bigger ticket items? Okay, this is where your budget comes in because you need to budget for things like that.

And I always say that if you pay a tithe, do that first. And then the second thing you need to do is pay yourself before you start paying any bills. So if you decide that you're gonna put away $200 a month or whatever it is, do that first before you start paying bills. Cuz it's amazing that if you pay yourself first, you could find a way to pay everything else.

And it doesn't matter if it's $5 or $2,000, start learning to just create a nest cake if you are packing your. You start, just tucking a little bit away as you can. You don't wanna get out of that habit. Always be putting in your savings account, even if it seems like it's not enough, because it will grow.

Yeah. It will grow. Be very diligent with that budget because you will be able to see that, Oh my gosh, if I don't eat out and I take my lunch to work with me, I can save sometimes 50 plus dollars a week. Yeah. Being aware of all those little things and find people who do this for a living and have them help you when you're talking about, retirement and saving for college and all of those things.

There are so many incredible CFPs or financial advisors out there. Find somebody that someone you know has worked with that they're happy with and go sit down and talk to them. And there are a lot of them out there who will sit down and talk to you for. I would personally recommend not paying to sit down with a, with someone to find out if it's a good fit for you.

But ask a lot of questions. How would you recommend I save for college? How do you recommend I should save for retirement? What are my options? Gather information. What are some of those questions that cuz I, I know I can just hear a lot of women going, I don't even know what questions to ask cuz I have no idea what to plan for.

So what are some suggestions of things that they go in and ask a CF p or financial advisor? There's so many questions that you could ask, but I think just even touching on the big, like, I wanna save for retirement. I wanna save for my kids college, I wanna save to buy a house. You start with those three basic questions that will just open the floodgates of information.

That, that will open the door to, and even Google is amazing. Can I just say ? What are the ways, say for retirement? It will tell you all the different things you can do. And so getting, you always use the phrase, get curious. Just start asking questions. Talk to people that you trust and say, Yeah, how do you do this?

And a lot of times now with certain jobs, there are resources that come with a job, a benefit package and different things. Take advantage of those, and don't pass up on things like that because that's a great way to learn about them and gain some benefit in your life. Most of these financial advisors that you would talk to know all the things and know all the options.

So even if you don't know the questions to ask, just going in and saying, I am starting from zero. What are my options? What are the things I should be aware of? They will be able to give you great direction and wait until you find somebody you're comfortable with. There are a lot of different planners and a lot of different options out there with having an advisor of some kind.

Make sure it's someone you like talking to that will take the time to explain things to you because if this is not your wheelhouse and you've never dealt with these kinds of things make sure someone's willing to educate you because when it comes down to it, you are making your decisions.

They're going to give you advice and guidelines, but the choice is you're so find somebody who's willing to take the time to. Okay. I love that you just said this and it's so funny cuz we're talking to divorce women, so of course my, my brain goes to like dating . And what I'm hearing is like date, , like date around get curious and figure out like, are you gonna be communicative?

Are you gonna be relational or are you gonna be an asshole? ? It's like, and I love that you're like, you get to choose and I think so many times when women who haven't done this, who don't know what this looks like, there's a lot of fear because of the unknown. And already we feel in oh my brain, Oh, I hate it when it freezes up.

Inferior. We already feel inferior and less than like stupid . That's how I would feel. And so I love this idea of reminding women, this is your choice, step into your power with this experience also of choosing who you want to work with you with your money. And it's so similar to dating. I know this isn't a dating episode, but this is like how I want you to approach dating

Like you get options. You're basically interviewing and you're like, Are you going to meet my needs? Yes, exactly. Because I love it. They all, most of them have the same education. They pass the same tests. But finding someone you like to work with Yeah. And can go to and say, I don't understand this.

Explain this to me. Why is this so important? Yeah. Because once you are educated on a good process to plan for these events, It's so much easier to be committed to the process if you understand it. And so having someone in your corner, whether it's a therapist, an attorney, a best friend, a financial advisor your mortgage lender, your real estate, whoever you are working with, you need to have someone that you trust and that will help you understand things because you don't have to understand everything, but you need to have people in your corner who do, who can help you through the process.

Yeah. And it is dating. Yeah. It really, you find someone that you can work well with and you can communicate with and you understand and is willing to take time with you, then try that out. Right. And if not, it's next, swipe next. Yeah. You don't have to feel bad because you're planning for your future and your children's future, and you need someone who will walk along that path with you.

Yeah. Because it's an experience. It's not like you just wake up one day and go, I am financially secure. Yeah. It's a process and it can be a $5 a month. I'm gonna get there slowly but surely. And I think just being consistent. Yeah. Okay. So what about how can women do this who really have very little money?

The idea of, who might be hearing you say, go get a financial planner. Oh yeah. Right? Like, how can I afford that? What does that even look like in terms of financially? Is that an option only for those who make more money? Now there are certain Firms that will require larger amounts of money.

But you can find advisors that will start you and be like, I'm just getting started. So don't worry about, you just need to find somebody who's willing to say, I have zero and I'm gonna work my way up. And that's okay. And there are a lot of advisors who do that. So you don't have to have it all figured out.

You don't have to have money to start. You just need to find somebody who's willing. And a lot of them are, a lot of them are willing to say, You know what? We're gonna, we're gonna start you at the beginning and we're gonna help you, We're gonna help you build for your retirement. So just need to, like I said, do your homework and find someone who's willing to start you with that.

You can start, people will meet you where you are. I mean, we say that, you say that in therapy all the time. Like, where are you at? Okay, we'll take you where you are and we will do whatever we need to do. Same theory. Wherever you at, you can find somebody who's willing to work with you And And that's why it's so important to interview them and ask a lot of questions.

Yeah. And I think there's this misconception that if I have money, divorce will be easy. It's not, it's gonna be hard whether you have money or don't have money. Yep. I actually had a lot of people who said things to me like you have money. So divorce is easy because you're gonna get half.

I've been fighting for two years to get my part, still don't have it yet, spending a lot of money to get my money. Sometimes honestly, I think it would've been easier had I had nothing. Because then there's nothing. There's nothing to divide, there's nothing. So what, wherever you find yourself, there will be challenges along.

Whether you have to split assets and you don't have as much as you used to, or you're walking away with the clothes on your back, yeah, it's still going to be hard financially, but that doesn't mean that you can't create the life that you want. And I mean, if nothing else, please walk away with the idea that you are capable.

You can find a job, you can find the education. And there are so many educational opportunities for women. I know that there are a lot of online programs where you can pay for credits that are so much cheaper than if you physically went to a school, which is probably easier for single moms when you can study during the day when your kids are at school or at night after they've gone to bed or after you've worked.

So make sure you're looking into programs. I know that BYU Pathways is significantly cheaper per. Spend a lot of other online programs. But once again, do something you're passionate about. And if you're not sure, get curious, but don't don't discount putting time and energy into your own education.

Yeah. If you don't yet, and if you haven't used yours, I hadn't really worked outside my home in 20 years. And so you might have to start at the bottom. , go in, in kind of a ground level entry position. But I know that every single mom, every divorce you that I know is not only tough, but they are hard workers.

Yep. And I think you go in there and say, Yeah, I'll start at the bottom. Yeah. And I'll show you how much I'm worth. And there's nothing more. As someone who is a business owner for almost 20 years, the people who work hard for me had no concept of how much I would do to keep them when they proved to me that they would do a good job and I could trust them.

Yeah. Yeah. So don't be afraid to start at the bottom and show them that you can work hard and that you're willing to learn new things and take classes or pass exams or, whatever you need to do to prove that, that you deserve to be there and that they definitely want you to stay. Yeah, I love that.

Another thing that I was thinking of as far as like preparing for your future is that you wanna make sure you have life insurance. Please. Oh, yes, please. So glad you said that. Please have life insurance. And you may think if something happens to me their dad will take care of them or something.

Your job now that you are single or almost single or wherever you are in this process of becoming single, is to make sure that you can take care of your family. Without the help of that former spouse, Plan your budget, and I should have said this earlier, plan your budget without the child support in Ali.

Because it might not always be there. Okay. Yep. That was my experience. Yeah. And I have not had much support myself. And so if you plan your life around this is how much I get for child support and alimony, what happens when it goes away? . So I feel like you need to look at that as a bonus in your budget, but find a way to make sure that you can do without that in case that ever happens.

I hope it doesn't for you, but make that a bonus. Yeah. To, to your budget. So life insurance is, It is crucial and coming from my background which is why I got a degree in finance, the beginning is I lost my dad as a teenager and my dad had life insurance and my mom, who had never worked outside the home except for the first three months they were married, did not go back to work.

She was able to still continue to be that stay at home mom. So in my opinion, everybody who has minor children in their home, Needs to have life insurance. There are lots of places to get life insurance. Do your homework there too. A lot of the advisors that you might work with, like a financial advisor can help you navigate life insurance.

And it's usually not very expensive. If you get a term policy, it's not very expensive. Now remember, say just start with term if you have to. Cause they, it can be very inexpensive and the younger you are , the the less it costs. If you have some health issues, you might pay a little bit more.

But it's so important that if heaven forbid something happened to you, that there's money to take care of your children. It's also really important, a lot of those term policies will allow you to have a child writer. Which means that your children are also covered. I know way too many people who have not had life insurance on a child, and it is financially devastating if there's an accident of some kind and you've got the medical bills and then you've got, funeral costs.

Those things are very expensive. I think it's really important that you add a child rider on there. It usually adds pennies every month. But it'll cover your children, whether you have one child or five children. And usually the recommendation would be about $10,000 on a child rider per child.

Because that's enough to do a funeral if you need to. Heaven forbid you ever lose a child, but at least you have the resources to take care of that expense instead of it being financially devastating. So make sure that you have life insurance that. I feel like that makes or breaks an even more devastating situation by if you have the capabilities to, to take care of those things.

And you can leave that money, You can choose who the beneficiary is. It could be, it doesn't have to be like your ex spouse to take care of your children. You could be like, I'm gonna leave this money to my parents so they can help my children. Right, right. If your children are older, it could be, I'm leaving this money to my adult child to take care of my minor child.

Yeah. You really have a lot of control over how that money is dispersed. Should you pass away. So that's something to consider as well. So I think that's a really big way to give you peace of mind that should I not be here, there will be the finances to take care of my family. Yeah. I love that you, I'm glad that you remembered that one.

That's such an important piece. And something that, that not a lot of women think about when you, I mean, divorce , the traumatic marriage and the trauma you experience in that marriage, and then the trauma of the divorce. You are, you've been living in survival mode one foot in front of the other for so long that moving into this kind of thought process can I know, feels so overwhelming and your brain just locks up and freezes.

And so if you're listening to this and your brain is locking up and freezing , like, I, I totally get it. And maybe this is an episode that you listen to maybe a couple different times. Because it is just a process and it's one step at a time, just just like everything else you've been. It's one step at a time.

And I love right at the beginning, just you gave a couple things that they can start right now with very easy, very simple, very doable. And then maybe that next step is just calling around different CFPs and financial advisors, just making a list of people to call. And then maybe the next week you call like just one little thing and you're moving.

It reminds me you were saying something earlier. It reminded me of when I was married and I was very much intense on building my food storage and my supply. In oh my brain. What am I looking for, Melissa? Emergency funds. Thank you. My emergency supply, my emergency funds, like all of that.

And I did a really amazing job. Like I had years worth of stuff just organized and saved and oh, it, I was so proud of it because I worked so hard to get there. And then, hell breaks loose. I have to leave and I have to leave all of that behind. And I knew I'd never see all of that again. And it was so devastating.

I felt like, oh my gosh, all of this work that I had done to prepare and to be prepared just in case all for not right. And here's what I want to just offer y'all, is it wasn't for not, I learned skills and abilities and tools and strengths that I developed by preparing. So even if things don't plan out the way that you hope, you're still making progress.

And I have faith in a God that makes up the difference. So there were things that were provided to me that I hadn't pre, because I had prepared and learned those skills and that was taken away. I personally believe that God blessed me because I did prepare and I took steps even though my life took a different turn and I didn't get to utilize it the way that I had hoped or planned.

He provided something else for me. And I just have so much faith in, in a God that does that. So take just one step to prepare and know that whatever happens in your future, like you will be taken care of because you're learning skills and so many things just in the preparation. Of being self-reliant and providing for yourself and really being an inde, a healthy, independent woman.

Yeah, I would speak to that cuz most people would be like I might not have 500 extra dollars to spend at the grocery store to fill my cupboards. Okay, so you buy one extra canona. Yep. You bought one extra package of spaghetti. Yep. You buy one extra jar of sauce. Even if it's just one thing a week that you can tuck away and have a little extra.

That's how you start. Yeah, Just a little bit. Whether you're building a food storage or an emergency fund, just be, or a retirement account. It's the same thing. The same. It's the same thing. The consistency is the best. So if you're like, I only have 10 extra dollars in my budget. Great. Yep. That's a what you want to learn is the discipline to do it.

Yep. That's the skill because. Let's just give an example. Covid goes crazy, right? Everybody. Costco, I know that our Costco here, there was a line around the Costco to get in. There is nothing in there for people who had prepared. Were they in that three hour, four hour line of Costco? No. They were at home going, I already got it.

Start preparing before the emergency happens. . Because once the emergency hits, there's not time to prepare. And if you do, everyone else is doing the same thing. Who is not ready. So little tiny bits come up with a plan, Follow your plan, have boundaries. If your budget says that you don't have money to go out to lunch with your friends, then you have lunch at your house and you have everybody bring something.

Yeah, you can still accomplish the things you want to accomplish and still say in your budget, you might have to get real creative sometimes. That's okay. . Yeah. But if you find ways to be consistent over time, then things will grow no matter which pile you're talking about. Yeah. And I think another piece that I really like and this was a little challenging for me because my life is a little different than it was when I was in my marital home, is that this is a great opportunity to teach your kids about money.

It's a great opportunity to help them understand how much things cost, help them be involved in the budget. Ha have them sit down with you and say, We have $150 for groceries this week. What can we. Have them go to the store with you and go teach them about, okay, this cereal costs this much and you get this much for it versus this cereal.

Use it as an education for your children, because I don't think we get enough money. Education, we definitely get it in schools. So help your children learn to be a part of that process. Because then when your kids go, Mom, we wanna go to the movies on Friday night, and you go, Okay, our entertainment budget says we have X amount of dollars.

How much does it take to go to the movies? And then you realize, Oh, we should probably go on $5 Tuesday instead, we can still go to the same movie, but look, it fits our budget. Or That doesn't even fit our budget still, but we could rent a movie for 3 99 on Amazon and all fit three times in the next 48 hours

But there's still things you can do and if you know what your boundary is, you can find a way to stay in it and it might have to look different. I think that's the hardest thing when my kids would be like are we poor? Do we have no money? Can we not do this? No, we live on a budget and that's a different scenario.

But if you include them in that, then it's easier for them to go, Mom, what's in our entertainment budget? What's left? What can we do fun this weekend? And maybe you'll learn that going outside and taking a walk with your kids or playing soccer in the front yard or taking a hike up the mountain is just as rewarding as spending 50 bucks at the movies.

Right? So it's a great way to educate your children and make something that maybe is tough on them as well. To make it more of a game and an educational process. So I think, get your kids involved where you can. Yeah. And let them learn how to help and help keep you on budget. I love this so much.

And again, so much empowerment here. When you are shifting your thoughts, I'm hearing so many offers that you're giving here to shift the way you think about your situation because this is why we stay stuck. This is why we don't move forward. This is why we have so many fears and worries, because we're not shifting into a different mindset.

And a lifestyle change most often comes with divorce and at least for a little while. And so until you can start, building more line upon line. But I think just shifting to what do I have as an option and stepping outside of the box, thinking outside of the box, doing something that.

Maybe you wouldn't have thought before. And it's amazing how the small things become more memorable and special to your children. I agree. And you went from a huge house to a little apartment that all of us were squeezed into, and they still talk about how they missed that space, that little tiny space that we were bumping into each other in the kitchen.

And, but because my mind shift was so different, I was so grateful to have that space. I made that a healing home. We loved it. Like the thoughts in that space were beautiful and uplifting and connecting. That's what they walked away with, not, Oh my gosh. I can't believe we had to go from a big old house with all this land to a tiny apartment.

So you have the ability, and you've said this so many times today, you have the ability to create the experience you want with whatever you have currently. , definitely. I think part of being res resourceful is using what's at your disposal. Yeah. And that also might look like, Like in my situation, I moved so fast that I didn't have a lot of the things that I needed and I didn't have the money to go buy them new.

So I was looking on like neighborhood yard sales and I also think because I shifted my mind and was so willing to accept, like having to get something that wasn't new, I had people coming out of the woodwork, Hey, we're remodeling. Do you need a couch? . Hey, I just, got a new kitchen table cuz we moved and my old one doesn't fit in my house.

Would you like it? Yes. I took everything that anybody offered me. It didn't matter if it matched my house, it didn't matter that, it wasn't exactly my style or whatever. Open your mind to accept new things. And it's funny that my house looks like magically, it looks furnished and it feels like home.

And half of it is stuff I didn't buy. It was people who were kind and just, And I offered to pay, Oh, let me pay for that. No, I want it to go to somebody. And I have some incredible things and some incredible experiences about people just giving me things that I needed. But I was also open. Things are gonna look different, and I would love your hand me down couch because it's better than sitting on the floor.

And so getting rid of that, what you think your life might need to look like to be happy, you can live in a shack and be peaceful and in a healthy environment and be just fine. Your peace and happiness has nothing to do with what size your house is or how much is in your 401k. It doesn't. Those things are nice, don't get me wrong.

And I think we all need to make sure that we are working towards a financial future that is secure. But it's okay if it takes us a while to get there. Yeah, that's just, it is a process like healing through a divorce, right? It's going to time. Sometimes it's going to be painful. Sometimes you're not gonna wanna do it anymore, but that's okay.

Just keep working at it. And if you have a bad week where you're like, Oh, I blew my. So you recommit the next week. Because if you've never had to do it, it's hard. Especially if you're used to maybe a more lavish lifestyle. Right. That's really hard. I know this may not sound lavish, but I love the fact that in my marital home, I didn't have a grocery budget.

I did whatever I wanted. I bought whatever looked good and whatever I wanted to eat, which was awesome. I didn't care how much the bananas were. If I wanted a banana, I bought them. I have to have a budget now for food, and I have almost four teenagers, which just do the math on that. It's a ridiculous . But I had to become more creative on how I do things so that I stay within that budget.

And for me, it looks like I only go to Costco twice a month. Sometimes if I can get away with it once a month because you think, Oh, I'm buying in bulk. I'm saving so much money. Sometimes you're not. Sometimes you're not on certain things, they're not, Sometimes you're spending much more because you bought it in bulk and then you're, if kids eat it in two days.

Right. So I only do Costco once or twice a month. I prefer once and then I go to the grocery store, every seven to 10 days because most of you here is one of the hardest things for me. You might not have your kids all the time. And maybe like with me, I was used to cooking for a family of seven and sometimes eight.

And then it was like I bought all this food and my kids are gone half the week. And so that shift of how much food to buy, it took me several months to figure out how that looked. Yeah. And be strategic on, okay, the kids are only here for four nights this week. I gotta really make sure that I don't over buy so things are wasted because I don't have the budget to waste food.

Right. Be patient with yourself as you readjust to a new lifestyle without a partner, but also without your kids and what that looks like with your food and different things like that. Just because I didn't really think about that. And we also eat this, mo may sound silly, but you might eat really different when your spouse is gone.

And so things that you've always bought, you'll be like, Why is this always going bad? Because the person that is not there anymore was the only person . So I had to sit down with my kids and go, What do you guys like to eat? Yeah. What do you wanna have for dinner? And that's another way to make sure that you're using your budget wisely, is if your kids are helping pick what you're eating and they like, they're going to eat it.

And it's going to be wasted. And that may sound si silly when we're talking about finances, but I have sometimes bought an entire fridge full of food and realized everything I bought would've been the stuff that my. Former husband would've eaten, but my children were not because I catered to what he liked.

Yeah. Yeah. So just be thoughtful, make it fun, involve your kids about making a budget and grocery shopping. You'll be surprised how much it changes, but how much fun, like the small memories that will come from Mom comes home from work and we all make dinner together. Yeah. Oh no, it, that's what we did.

And we went to the grocery store together. We totally did that. And I was like, Okay, here's how much you each have. Cuz they, my kids are snackers. They love their snack food. And when I was married they just, snack school, Right. But I'm like, Okay, y'all, you cannot be eating snacks all day long.

I can't afford this. So I did the math and I'm like, Okay, each of you can have this much money towards just your crap snack food, . And so we went to the store and they each had that much money. And I let them walk around. I'm like, You could buy whatever you want. You could buy whatever you want. As long as it's in that budget.

It's one of their favorite memories. , because they had a blast. You made it fun. They were, I've started doing that with my kids. Whoever goes to Costco with me picks the treat for that week, and I look my kids in the eye and say, This should last for two weeks. If you all have one a day, this should last for 14 days.

If you inhale it in two days, I'm still not going back to the store for 14 days. and just that kind of moderation to teach children about that. Yeah. That's an invaluable lesson that we don't necessarily think about in the world of like money and budgeting, but. Yeah, that's such a tangible education on how money works.

And you may give your kid 20 bucks in the grocery store and they realize real quick that doesn't go very far. That's what was funny about it, is they were just scrambling cuz they're like, What? This goes over what? They were just like appalled at how much everything costs. Mom, do you know much?

This is, I'm like, Yes I do . And when you eat it all in one day now you know wine best. Yeah, no, exactly. So I think, even if your situation looks really different, find a way to make it fun. Yeah. Find a way to enjoy creating new memories or new habits with your children. Get them involved. It's much less painful if everybody's on the same page and, be frank with your kids.

You know what our finances are gonna look a little different and that's okay. I do not think though that your child, be very careful that your children do not feel your emotion or stress about the. I'm so glad you said that. I am so glad you said that. I think that is huge and it's hard. It's very hard.

Very hard. And I did not do that perfectly. And I've had to do some do-overs on that. That's a hard one because when they saw me so stressed, I mean crying at the table with my, pen and budget and trying to crunch numbers and figure out how the hell am I gonna make this work? They immediately felt guilty for asking for anything like the, like needs.

All of a sudden their, they decided that their needs didn't matter and were too much. And so we had to have some serious rewires there because they saw how stressed I was over that. So I'm so glad you brought that up. Actually, don't pay bills when my kids are here. Yeah. Because. There are times where it's stressful for me.

Yeah. And so I keep them away from that. But when we go to the store, I say We have $150 for this week. Yeah. Yeah. And this is what we've planned and what do we already have Yeah. In food storage or in the freezer that we need to use and what can we add to it? So instead of buying everything to make hamburgers, okay, we already have this and we already have this and we already have this, so we only need two things.

Give them that education. But yes, please try not to involve your children in the stress and emotion that can come around money because you don't want them to take that on. Yeah. And they don't need to worry about that. And there have been times, I have older teenagers who have jobs and I've had to say to them, Okay, I buy basics.

Yeah. If you want something special or fancy over X dollar amount, you pay the difference. And so if my kids want name brown stuff, that is fine, but this is how much I can put towards this. And if my kids are like, I really want this cool new pair of shoes, I'm like, You already have a pair of shoes. They fit.

If you want the extra pair, you have to buy them. And I think that is okay. I think it's okay for them to pay for things that are above and beyond necessities when things are really tight. And that's okay. And it's okay to say to your kids, You know what, that's not in our budget this month. Yeah. And worked, They learned to get jobs really early and have worked very hard, multiple jobs to, to provide, for those things that, that I know they probably, then I know a lot of families pay for, prom dresses, prom, or cars.

They had to figure that out themselves and . Cause those were extras. And my girls really I, my boys, not so much cuz I was remarried, but. My girls really had to step up and learn that, and they are better off for it. No it is a, it's an invaluable education and they're not gonna get it in school.

And so I think it's really important. Something my mom did with me is when I turned 16 and was able to drive, my mom opened a checking account for me. And I know, I remember I was super jealous. I, Yeah. . It was before debit cards were like a big thing. Uhhuh. , the one had a legit checkbook. Checkbook at 16 year old, and my mom put money in that account for me to run errands for her.

So it would be like, Melissa, on the way home from swim practice, I need you to stop and get three gallons of milk and a loaf of bread and whatever. And I would write the check out of my checkbook. Yeah. Totally intimidated. As a 16 year old, I would pay for it, and then when the statement would come, my mom would sit me down and teach me how to balance the checkbook.

Yeah, I love it. Money is such, there's so much emotion and fear about money. The younger you can teach your kids how to manage it and how understanding it actually gives them more freedom. Yeah. Is such a valuable It does, and I will tell you this, swiping a credit card completely takes your emotion out of doing things that you don't even realize how much money you're spending.

Yeah. And so if you're new to a budget, my last final tip on the whole budget thing, cuz I know I've probably killed that one to death because it's so important, but that's all I'm talking about. Don't swipe a credit card if you've got a really strict budget, pay cash. Dave Ramsey it Dave Ram. Seriously, because you become so much more emotionally involved if you are physically handing over cash.

I have friends who go to the grocery store and it's like, how much. How much do you spend on groceries? They have not a clue because they swiped their card. They don't even acknowledge the total. When you're counting out cash, there is emotional trigger that it's like, Oh my gosh, do I really wanna spend this much?

And if you do the Dave Ramsey kind of envelope scenario that he recommends when the money's gone, this is gone. Yep. So it becomes very easy to make sure you're not overspending. When you don't have it. But I would say be very aware. Very aware of debt. Yeah. Debt is very easy to get into and it's very hard to get out of.

So there are, there's a time and a place for all of it, but be very careful. Yeah. Be very careful. I cash, cash is very easy to keep track of. And. Like I said, there's the emotional component to handing over cash that makes you go, Do I really want to? Another one is when I was a young, in my twenties, like first job out of college, I used to say, It's going to take me five hours to earn this thing that I think I need to buy.

And then it was like, do I really wanna have to order in five hours to have that new pair of shoes? And I don't think they're that worth that much. And it really changes your perspective when you look at how much time you have to spend to earn that much money. Yeah. And if it's something you really want, budget for it, make it part of your budget.

I'm gonna put $5 away every month until I can buy that pair of shoes I really want. Yeah, that's okay too. It's okay if it has to take us a little bit and we don't have that instant gratification of, I'm just gonna go buy it cuz I. Yeah. Just be mindful. We talk about mindfulness and therapy all the time in this whole healing process.

Being mindful about your money will do amazing things for you just because you're aware of what's going on. Yeah. I love this so much and I'm gonna end with just what you said in the very beginning, you with the book reference, which I'll put the link to that book in the show notes. But the the five money Personalities and I think just learning your learning how to have a relationship with money.

I talk about how to have a relationship with your body when you're trying to heal that. Like, I love this idea of learning how to have a relationship with. That's beautiful. Very important. I learned that I am a saver, security seeker, and I know that security seeking piece comes from losing my dad at a young age.

Yeah. But because I know that, I know the things to do to make me feel secured with my money. . So understanding this is just going to give you more power. There is also a link which I will give you, that you can go online to take this test. So even if you're like, I'm not ready to read this book yet, I'm not ready to, have it relate to, a relationship.

You could just go online and take the quiz so that you know what your personality is and you can read more about it without diving into the whole book, if that's gonna still be triggering for you. Love it. So awesome. Melissa, thank you so much. This is unbelievably helpful and empowering. So thank you. Oh, so glad I could do this.