171. Holiday Triggers After Divorce

Welcome to The Empowered Divorce Podcast

The holidays can bring up a swirl of emotions when you are navigating a life saving divorce, separation, co-parenting, or the messy middle of healing. In this episode, I share a tender part of December’s live Q and A where we explored holiday grief, nervous system memory, and how to stay grounded when the holidays look nothing like what you imagined.

Before we dive in, remember that you can register for my free monthly live Q and A. You will get access to worksheets and tools to support you each month. And if dating feels overwhelming or scary after betrayal, the Dating From Within workshop is coming up in January. It is six hours of live coaching and a beautiful place to start rebuilding trust with yourself.

Why Holiday Grief Hits Hard After a Life Saving Divorce

Holidays tend to stir up grief in unexpected ways. Even years after divorce, moments that were once shared can hit your nervous system with a shock of sadness or longing. When we are partnered, especially in long-term marriages, we co-regulate, dream together, and build a shared nervous system experience.

When that relationship ends, your body does not simply erase those stored dreams. So when something reminds you of “the life you thought you would have,” grief wakes up. This does not mean you are going backward. It means your nervous system remembers the dream and is adjusting to a new reality.

The Nervous System and Shared Dreams

When you planned future moments with your partner, your nervous system bonded to those hopes. So when life unfolds in a different way than you imagined, the grief is real. Watching your children reach milestones, navigating traditions alone, or realizing the picture in your heart has changed can bring unexpected pain.

But the story does not end with the loss. You still get to dream. You still get to choose. You can remove the period your brain wants to put at the end of the sentence and add the “and.”
It did hurt.
And you still get to create something meaningful ahead.

Why the Holidays Feel Overwhelming

When routines shift and predictability is lower, the nervous system reacts. Your body is trying to orient to something new and unfamiliar. Whether your children are away, the house is quiet, or traditions feel incomplete, your body will feel the change.

You might notice sadness, irritability, numbness, tears, or the urge to escape. This does not mean you are failing. You are responding like a human who has lived through trauma and heartbreak.

The Pressure to Make Holidays “Normal”

Many women feel responsible for preserving the holiday magic for their children. After divorce, the pressure to “keep everything the same” intensifies. But this pressure often becomes unrealistic and exhausting.
Your children do not need perfect holidays. They need your presence. They need your steadiness. They need you, not the illusion of the old life.

The George Bailey Moment

Like the scene in It’s a Wonderful Life where George hits his breaking point, many of you may feel overwhelmed or invisible. You might feel like you are holding everything together and no one sees the weight you carry.

But your absence would leave a void you cannot see.
Your presence anchors your children, even from a distance.
Your life touches others in ways you may never fully know.

Grounding Tools for Holiday Overwhelm

These grounding practices help regulate a dysregulated nervous system:

Place both feet on the floor and feel the sense of under
Lean into a wall for support behind
Press your hands into the wall to move energy forward
Relax your jaw and feel a breath release
Place your hand on your heart or ribs to soften bracing
Name what you feel
Use your sensory anchors
These tools work because your body needs support and orientation during moments of emotional flooding.

Micro Traditions to Ease the Pain

If old traditions feel too heavy, try “micro traditions”
Lighting a candle
A single journal prompt each day
A holiday playlist
A short walk
Tiny rituals help your nervous system feel anchored without forcing old traditions that no longer fit.

Stepping Back Into Agency

You cannot change what happened. You cannot change the betrayal. You cannot change the past. But like George Bailey, you can return to yourself. You can choose the meaning of your experiences. You can reclaim your life from a place of awareness, acceptance, and agency.

You still get to choose your story. Moment by moment. Breath by breath. Season by season.