184. How To Set Boundaries After Divorce (Part 2)

Opening: Boundaries Start Before the Boundary

Amie: Last week we talked about how to identify where you need a boundary. If you did that work, you probably walked away with some clarity around places where you might have energy leaks, where you feel trapped, where fear is running your decisions, or where you’re still hoping for something that isn’t coming.

Now comes the question I hear all the time: okay, but how do I actually set it? What are the words? What do I do? And one of the most important things nobody told me is that many of the most important boundaries going through and after divorce aren’t with your ex at all. They’re mostly with yourself. We’ll get there.

But first, let’s talk about the stages of boundary setting, what you can and can’t control, and how to put actual language to all of this.

Stage One: Requests — The Relational Starting Point

Something worth mentioning before we get into hard boundaries: boundaries don’t always start as boundaries. Sometimes they start as requests. And in healthy relationships, that’s exactly how it’s supposed to work. We communicate what we need. Requests are relational. They come from knowing yourself, knowing what you want and need, and being able to say that out loud.

The problem is a lot of you are way past the request stage with your ex. But I want you to understand the stages, because I’ve seen women bring hardcore boundary energy into new relationships and miss the chance to let someone actually show up for them.

I experienced this firsthand with Scott. Not long after we got married, I woke up and he was lying in bed on his phone. My body went straight into trauma response — because in my previous relationship, that’s exactly when I’d discovered betrayal. I froze. I started crying. And instead of making a request, I went straight to an ultimatum: “If you ever do that again, I’m sleeping in the other room.”

I thought I was setting a boundary. I was actually giving an ultimatum, and I didn’t give him any opportunity to show me he could be trustworthy. I had to go back and reframe it: “This is really triggering for me. I totally understand you weren’t doing anything wrong. While I’m still working through these triggers with my therapist, it would help me a lot if you could keep the phone out of bed.” He was more than willing.

That’s the difference. A request assumes good faith. It gives the other person a chance. When we’ve been deeply betrayed, cognitive generalization kicks in and we expect everyone to be a threat. But as we heal, we can shift back to making requests first. If the request isn’t respected — that’s when we move to a boundary.

Stage Two: The Boundary — Declaring What You Will Do

When a request isn’t respected, we stop asking and start declaring. A boundary is no longer asking them to change — it’s telling them what you will do.

Here’s the difference in practice: A request sounds like, “Would you be willing to keep our texts focused on the kids?” A boundary sounds like, “I’m only going to respond to texts that are about the kids.”

You’re not telling them what to do. You’re declaring what you will do to protect your time and energy. He can still text whatever he wants. You’re just being clear about when you will engage.

The Green, Yellow, Red Framework — Matching Your Language to the Risk Level

I love how Melissa Urban frames this in her book The Book of Boundaries. She codes boundaries into three categories based on threat level: green, yellow, and red.

Green: Low Risk, Generous and Kind

Green assumes the other person may not have realized they overstepped. Your language is clear but generous. You leave the consequence unsaid and give them the benefit of the doubt. This is essentially the request stage.

Example — he texts about personal things unrelated to the kids. Green: “Hey, I’m going to focus our texts on the kids moving forward. Anything else can wait for another time.”

Example — he tries to come inside during exchanges. Green: “Hey, I prefer if we keep exchanges at the door. It’s just easier for me. Thanks for understanding.”

Yellow: Elevated Risk, Firmer Language with Consequence

Yellow is the follow-up when green wasn’t respected. Same clarity, more firmness. This is where you name the consequence: if you continue to do X, I will do Y.

Example — still texting about personal topics. Yellow: “I’ve mentioned that I keep our communication focused on the kids. If you continue to text about other topics, I won’t be responding to those messages.”

Example — still pushing past the door at exchanges. Yellow: “I’ve asked that we do exchanges at the door. If you need to discuss something about the kids, we can do that through the app.”

Red: Severe Risk, Direct and Non-Negotiable

Red is your most direct language. Health, safety, or the relationship itself is at serious risk. You are still kind but completely clear — and this is their last reminder. You must be prepared to enforce and hold whatever you say here.

Example — ongoing personal texts. Red: “I will only be responding to messages regarding the children. Period.”

Example — still entering your home uninvited. Red: “Exchanges happen at the door. I will not be inviting you into my home. If you need a longer conversation, send an email.”

Example — hostile or accusatory texts. Red: “I’m only discussing logistics about the kids. I won’t be responding to anything else.”

Example — questions about your personal life, dating, or finances. Red: “I will only be communicating through the parenting app about the kids.”

Your Bill of Rights: Why You’re Allowed to Do This

Before the language will work, you have to believe you have the right to set the boundary. And I can give you every script in the world — if deep down you don’t believe you’re allowed to say no, you won’t hold it.

Vicki Tidwell Palmer’s book Moving Beyond Betrayal names what she calls the Bill of Rights. A few of the most important ones for women after divorce:

You have the right to be wrong and to change your mind. Boundary setting is a practice. You might set one and realize six months later it needs to be tighter, or you’re actually ready to loosen it. That’s not weakness. That’s human.

You have the right to prioritize your safety and peace, even if it inconveniences someone else. Most people past the request stage won’t like your boundaries. That’s expected.

You have the right to keep your home and space safe. You decide who enters.

You have the right to information privacy. Your finances, your dating life, your personal choices — if it’s not about the children’s immediate wellbeing, you don’t owe anyone access to it.

You have the right to change the terms of the relationship. Just because someone had access to you before doesn’t mean they get it now.

You have the right to protect your children without controlling their relationships. You can hold a limit that keeps you safe while still allowing your kids to have relationships with people you’re no longer comfortable with. Both things can be true.

And you have the right to say no without explanation. No is a complete sentence.

When Guilt Shows Up — It Doesn’t Mean You’re Wrong

Even when you know you have every right to set a boundary, guilt often shows up anyway. Maybe your ex-mother-in-law wants to come inside and spend time with the kids. Maybe you genuinely liked her. But now it doesn’t feel safe — she’s not a vault, and things get back to your ex.

You can hold a boundary and still honor that relationship. Instead of cutting access entirely, try: “I want the kids to have a relationship with you. It would work best right now if you meet us at the park, or feel free to pick them up for some time together. Here’s when they’re available.” Your boundary is your home. Their relationship with their grandmother continues. Both are true.

When guilt creeps in, ask yourself two questions: Am I protecting myself or punishing someone else? And can this need be met in a way that doesn’t violate my boundary? Boundaries are protection, not punishment. Guilt showing up doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Most of the time it just means you did something new.

The Most Overlooked Boundaries: The Ones You Set with Yourself

Most of the boundaries are with you. Because sometimes the person violating your limits the most is you.

No matter how many times I told myself it wasn’t helpful to argue back, the part of me that wanted justice, that wanted to be heard, that wanted vengeance — that part got in the way more than anyone else ever did.

Here’s how to find where you need a self-boundary: look for your pain points. Where are you most reactive, most drained, most frustrated? Where are you most defensive? Is there a social media app that leaves you feeling anxious or insecure? A habit that costs you more than it gives you?

I had a habit of carrying my phone into every room. One day I walked all the way back to the kitchen just to grab it before putting laundry away — and in that moment I realized what was happening. My phone boundary became: the phone stays out of my closet and bathroom. No exceptions. The consequence of breaking it: I don’t finish the task, I waste time, I come out feeling worse, and I show up worse for the people I love.

That’s the formula: identify the pain point, create a simple limit, name the consequence. Knowing why you’re holding the boundary — what it costs you when you don’t — is what keeps you from breaking it when you’re tempted.

Most of the situations my clients are most frustrated about get resolved naturally when they start focusing on boundaries with themselves first.

What You Cannot Control or Boundary After Divorce

This is the hard list. As you read through it, notice what feels emotionally charged or triggering. Write it down and bring it to your professional.

You cannot control: what clothes he lets the kids wear at his house. What he feeds them. What they watch on TV, what video games they play, what screen time limits he enforces. Whether they have a device at his house, even if you’ve restricted it at yours. What time they go to bed. Whether he brings them to their activities. Who he dates or when. Who he leaves the kids with on his parenting time, unless there is a legitimate, court-upholdable safety concern. Where he sits at the kids’ events. Whether he comes to those events at all. Whether he texts the kids. Whether his new partner is present at pickup. How many times he takes you back to court. Whether he pays child support even if he’s been arrested for nonpayment. His social media. What he says about you. His financial choices. Where or whether he works.

I know everything on that list is frustrating. Most of it affects you and your kids directly. That’s not what I’m saying it doesn’t do. What I’m saying is: it’s not within your control. And trying to control it often creates more harm to your children’s relationship with their father that will come back on you later. If there is a real, legitimate concern for your child’s physical safety, take it through the appropriate legal channels. But no attorney will recommend removing parenting time over junk food, excess screen time, or the girlfriend being around.

These things end up being ultimatums. And ultimatums pull us into a tug of war we will never win.

What You Can Boundary: A Practical List

Communication is the biggest area where you have full control. You get to limit how you communicate, what topics you engage with, and on what timeline.

Specific things you can boundary: the method of communication (parenting app only, email only). The topics you’ll respond to. Your response window (for example, 9 AM to 7 PM only). Whether you respond to hostile, accusatory, or off-topic messages at all. What personal information you share — your finances, dating life, and emotional experiences are yours. School information: you are not responsible for forwarding everything to your ex. He has access to a phone and an email. The school can add him directly. Parenting schedule: stick to it line by line. Any changes go in writing. No verbal agreements. No exceptions. Your physical space: who enters your home, whether you’re home during exchanges, whether you engage in conversation at the door.

And finally: their emotions. Letting go of managing their anger, their reaction to your boundaries, or what they feel about what you’re doing with your life — this is one of the hardest parts of post-divorce boundary work, especially for those of us who spent years walking on eggshells. Their emotions are not yours to carry anymore. And when it gets taken out on your children, that becomes an opportunity to teach your kids that they also have the right to limits, that they don’t need to manage someone else’s emotions, and that saying no is okay.

Closing: Let Go of the Ropes That Bind You

I remember telling my parents over and over: I just feel like I’m never going to be free. I just feel like it’s never going to end. And it was when I started setting boundaries with myself, accepting the things I cannot control, and becoming aware of how much mental space I was still giving to someone who had harmed me — that things started to shift.

I still caught myself picking that rope back up. Still believed sometimes that I had to. But every time I did, there were real, visceral consequences for me. And every time I let it go, I got a little more of myself back.

Protect what’s valuable to you. Your time is valuable. Your energy is valuable. Your peace is valuable. You are valuable. Boundaries give you that back. This is what becoming the chooser is about — choosing you.

You are the chooser in your life, and you get to create the life you want. Because you can.

Books and Resources Mentioned

The Book of Boundaries by Melissa Urban — green/yellow/red boundary framework, scripts for many relationship types

Moving Beyond Betrayal by Vicki Tidwell Palmer — the Bill of Rights, boundaries after betrayal

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown — on the courage to set boundaries even when it risks disappointing others

Terry Cole (upcoming podcast guest) — boundaries author and speaker