188. Why You Feel Guilty- Even When You Know It's Right To Divorce

Hello, my amazing, beautiful listeners.
Thank you for joining me today. Welcome back.

My voice probably sounds a little hoarse today, so bear with me. I live in Texas, and the pollen and allergies right now are absolutely wild. I feel fine. I just sound awful. So thank you for sticking with me.

I wanted to record this episode while this topic was really heavy on my mind and heart. There are not enough conversations happening around this, especially for women navigating betrayal, divorce, and the emotional aftermath of leaving a relationship that was hurting them.

Today we are talking about guilt and grief after divorce.
Not just any guilt.
The kind that does not make logical sense.

The guilt you feel when you know you made the right decision.
The guilt you feel after a life-saving divorce.

We are also going to talk about grief.
Specifically, why so many women feel deep sadness when they expected to feel anger.

I hear this all the time.

Women sitting in mediation.
Women in court.
Women talking to their attorney.

And instead of rage, there are tears.

Instead of anger, there is sadness.

And that can feel confusing.

Many women even apologize for it.

They say things like
I know I should be angry
But I am just sad

So today we are going to talk about that without minimizing it, fixing it, or telling you to just move on.

Because this experience is real.

Guilt After Divorce and Children

Let’s start with guilt.

Especially the guilt that shows up around your children.

Because that is where the sharpest pain often lives.

I have felt this myself.

Looking at your children and seeing their confusion
Their sadness
Their behavior changes
Their withdrawal

And somewhere in the back of your mind, a voice shows up.

This is your fault
You chose him
You had children with him

That weight is incredibly heavy.

It is one of the hardest emotional burdens a parent can carry after betrayal or divorce.

But here is what I want to gently pull apart.

When you chose your partner, you made that decision with the information and the version of yourself you had at the time.

You were not choosing the version of him that would later betray you.
You were not choosing the future pain.

You were choosing hope.
You were choosing love.
You were choosing the life you believed you were building.

That matters.

False Responsibility vs True Guilt

Here is something I see over and over again in women healing after betrayal.

Guilt attaches itself to the wrong place.

True guilt is a signal.

It tells us we crossed one of our own values.

But what many women are carrying after divorce is not true guilt.

It is false responsibility.

It is taking ownership of another person’s choices.

You are not responsible for who someone chose to become.
You are not responsible for their betrayal.
You are not responsible for their behavior.

You are responsible for what you do now.

And that is where your power lives.

Divorce and Children: What Research Shows

Many parents worry that divorce will permanently damage their children.

Here is what research consistently shows.

Children do not break from hard things.

They struggle most when they feel alone in hard things.

What helps children heal is not a perfect situation.

It is a safe parent.

A steady parent.
A present parent.
A regulated parent.

Your presence matters more than perfection.

Understanding Grief After Betrayal and Divorce

Let’s talk about grief.

Because grief after divorce is complicated.

Especially when betrayal is involved.

You are not just losing a marriage.

You are losing:

Your future plans
Your family structure
Your sense of stability
Your identity
Your trust

You are grieving a person who is still alive but no longer who you thought they were.

That kind of loss has a name.

Ambiguous loss.

It is disorienting because there is no clear ending.

No clean goodbye.

And that is why grief after divorce can feel so confusing.

Why Sadness Shows Up Instead of Anger

Many women expect anger.

They think they should feel rage.

But instead, they feel sadness.

Here is why.

Anger is an action emotion.

It prepares the body to move.

Sadness is a conserving emotion.

It helps the nervous system slow down and process loss.

When your nervous system is overwhelmed, sadness often shows up first.

Not because you are weak.

Because your body is trying to survive.

Why Pushing Through Grief Does Not Work

Many women try to push through grief.

They stay busy.
They stay strong.
They stay focused on survival.

And sometimes that is necessary.

But grief that is constantly pushed away does not disappear.

It settles in the body.

It can show up as:

Fatigue
Irritability
Numbness
Chronic stress
Emotional shutdown

Grief needs movement.

It needs expression.

It needs space.

Practical Ways to Move Through Guilt and Grief

Here are a few simple practices.

Not a ten step plan.
Just small, doable tools.

First, separate guilt from responsibility.

Ask yourself:

Whose choices created this situation

Write the answer down.

Not to blame.
To get clarity.

Second, give your grief a window.

Ten minutes.

Not a whole day.
Not a breakdown.

Just a window.

A space where you allow yourself to feel.

Third, prepare your nervous system before hard moments.

Before mediation.
Before court.
Before a difficult conversation.

Take a slow breath.
Feel your feet on the ground.
Remind yourself:

I am safe enough to do this

Fourth, stop waiting until everything is over to let yourself feel.

Healing and grief happen at the same time.

Not one after the other.

Relief After Divorce Is Normal

There is one more feeling that many women struggle to admit.

Relief.

Relief that the fighting stopped.
Relief that the tension is gone.
Relief that you can breathe again.

Relief does not mean you are cold.

It means your nervous system finally exhaled.

Final Thoughts

You can know you made the right decision and still feel grief about the cost of it.

You can be sad and still be strong.

You can be grieving and still be moving forward.

Feeling the hard thing is not the same as being stuck in it.

It is often the beginning of healing.

And when you choose to feel, even in small moments, you are already creating change.

You are already creating healing.

Because you can.