190. Trust After Betrayal With David Richo

Welcome and Introduction

Amie: Hello, my amazing listeners! I am so excited about today’s episode. Our topic is trust and learning to trust again after betrayal. I’m thrilled to have David Rico with me. He’s a psychotherapist, teacher, and author of over 15 books, approaching his work from a Jungian philosophy with Buddhist principles and decades of clinical experience.

I invited David because trust is something that can never be talked about enough, especially for those who have been deeply betrayed. Welcome, David!

David: Hi Amie. It’s lovely to meet you. Honestly, I was pinching myself thinking I might never hear back from you, so I’m really excited to be here.

Amie: Thank you! I found your work through a recommendation from my therapist, specifically your work around the Five A’s. I ended up exploring your books and was drawn to your perspective on trust. This is such a critical topic for my listeners, many of whom have experienced betrayal and a shattered sense of trust in themselves, their intuition, and even in love and humanity.

What is Trust?

Amie: David, many of my listeners experienced naive trust in their marriages, thinking that being perfect and doing all the “right things” would prevent betrayal. When betrayal happens, it blindsides them. How do you define trust in this context?

David: Trust is daring. You are daring when you trust because no matter how much someone promises loyalty, honesty, or presence, there’s always a possibility they won’t follow through. Trust is relying on someone else to be truthful and show up, and committing yourself emotionally with the risk that they might not meet that expectation.

Trust starts with trusting yourself. First, you must recognize trustworthiness when it’s there and cultivate inner resources to handle betrayal when it’s not. This helps you respond without retaliation and move forward, even if restitution never comes from the other person.

Moving Forward After Betrayal

Amie: Many of my listeners are divorced or separated and never received accountability or apology from their ex-partners. How can they move forward when there’s still an element of injustice?

David: When betrayal is severe, like major infidelity or abuse, your focus must shift from trying to fix the other person to strengthening yourself. It’s about gathering the psychological and spiritual resources to handle the loss and injustice without being pulled back into retaliation or validation-seeking.

Once you’ve decided on a life-saving divorce to protect your integrity, seeking acknowledgment from your partner often becomes a losing game. The healing witness needs to come from yourself, a friend, a therapist, or a higher power—not from someone who may never validate your pain.

The Compass of Trust

Amie: I love your idea of a trust compass. Can you explain that?

David: Absolutely. Think of a compass with four directions:

- East and West (Horizontal): Yourself and the other person. Trust yourself to handle what comes from within and what comes from others.

- North (Vertical): Your higher power or spiritual awareness—the constants you can rely on.

- South (Vertical): Bedrock reality—the facts and givens of life that are unchangeable.

When you can say “yes” unconditionally to all four directions, that creates a sense of safety and security. If any direction is lacking, like if someone is untrustworthy, you feel unsafe. This compass helps guide your decisions, whether staying, leaving, or moving on.

Post-Traumatic Growth Mindset

Amie: When learning to trust again after betrayal, I shifted from thinking, “I hope I don’t get hurt” to “I can handle it if I do.” That mindset feels like post-traumatic growth.

David: Exactly. Trust isn’t about ensuring no one will ever hurt you. It’s about building the inner strength to handle life’s realities. You grieve, engage in dialogue if possible, seek therapy if needed, and move forward without allowing past trauma to control your future.

Strength Through Inner Resources

Amie: How does this apply to real-life relationships and dating again?

David: Trusting yourself and your inner resources allows you to navigate new relationships with clarity. The Five A’s—being attentive, accepting, appreciative, affectionate, and allowing freedom—apply first to yourself. This builds resilience, so whatever comes along, you can handle it with grace.

Accepting Life’s Givens

David: Part of trust and growth is accepting the five givens of life:

- Life contains unavoidable pain and loss.

- People are imperfect and will sometimes hurt us.

- Change is constant and inevitable.

- We cannot control others’ thoughts, feelings, or actions.

- Life is uncertain, and we must cultivate inner stability.

Acknowledging these givens creates a foundation for post-traumatic growth, healthy relationships, and personal resilience.

Trust in Yourself and Higher Power

Amie: It’s so powerful to anchor in yourself and a higher power. When I realized I could handle life’s challenges, I felt capable of loving again without needing control over outcomes. This inner trust shifts how we relate to others and to God or the universe, moving from “make me chosen” to “help me survive and thrive no matter what.”

David: Yes. The maturity in prayer, in trust, and in self-awareness reflects our growth. We no longer manipulate outcomes but cultivate strength and acceptance, creating a solid foundation for navigating life and relationships.

Closing Thoughts

Amie: For those healing from betrayal, building inner strength, trusting yourself, and leaning on a higher power are essential. Trust is not about never being hurt again—it’s about knowing you can handle it and continue to thrive.

David: Exactly. Trusting yourself, accepting life’s givens, and practicing inner resources create freedom. You’re prepared to face life, love wisely, and respond to betrayal with resilience.

Amie: David, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom today. This conversation will help my listeners step into trust again, even after profound betrayal.