200. Will My Kids Be OK After Divorce? A Daughter Answers / Part 2

Before We Begin

One of the deepest fears a mother carries through divorce, betrayal, or abuse is this: what is this going to do to my children?

There is no perfect way to navigate it. Healing families are messy. Grief is messy. Divorce is messy. Repair is messy. But what creates healing over time is honesty, emotional safety, a willingness to grow, and the courage to have hard conversations — like this one.

As you listen today, I want to invite you to extend yourself some compassion. Many of you are doing the very best you can while carrying an enormous amount of pain. That matters. That counts. Even when it does not feel like enough.

This is part two of my conversation with my daughter McKenna, continuing what we started last week. If you have not heard part one yet, go back and start there — and then come back to this.

What McKenna Wants Teenagers to Know

Amie: Let's start there. What would you want teenagers who are going through their parents' divorce to know?

McKenna: First, just that it is hard, and it is supposed to be hard. That is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a sign that you are human and that you love your family.

The biggest thing I had to learn is that you are not in charge of either parent's emotions. Nothing about this is your fault. And you are still deeply loved by both of your parents, even when it does not feel that way.

I would also say — use this. Use it as an opportunity to rely on whatever higher power you believe in, to rely on yourself, and to discover what you are made of. I know that sounds like a lot to ask of a teenager. But I am genuinely grateful for what I went through, because it made me who I am. It helped me figure out what I want in my own marriage, what I want in my life. Because I was given healthy resources to heal, there was so much good that came out of something really hard.

Amie: I want to highlight something you just said — that because you were given tools and resources to heal, you were able to choose something different in your own relationship. I see this pattern over and over in my work. Women who do not do their healing after divorce tend to re-enter relationships with similar dynamics. Children who do not do their healing tend to choose relationships that mirror what felt familiar growing up. You doing your work — that changed your trajectory.

McKenna: Yes. Because of therapy, and because of the conversations we had about what abuse is, what addiction is, what healthy looks like versus unhealthy — I learned to pay attention to what my body was telling me about people. I learned to trust myself. And that shaped every relationship I chose going forward.

What McKenna Wants Moms to Know

McKenna: The biggest thing I would want moms to know is to not rely on your kids emotionally.

After the divorce, because I was the oldest and because I was around for a lot of it, I became your sounding board. Whenever something hard came up, I was often the first person you came to. And part of me loved that. It made me feel special and close to you. I wanted to be that person for you.

But what it actually did was take away my room to process my own emotions. Instead of figuring out what I felt about a situation, I was absorbing what you felt. I stopped trusting myself and started seeking your validation instead.

Amie: That is such an important thing for women to hear. And I think we do this more with our daughters than our sons — though I will also confess that when my son became the oldest in the home, I told him he was the man of the house now. I thought I was making him feel important. What I was actually doing was handing him weight he should never have had to carry.

And McKenna, you are right — I did it partly out of fear. I was terrified you were going to believe the narrative being given to family and friends, and I wanted you to know my side. What I did not understand then is that it did not help. It made things harder. It made things more confusing. I had to learn to zip it and trust that you would find your own truth in your own time.

McKenna: And what was helpful was knowing I could ask a question and get an honest, direct answer. What was not helpful was being around when you were triggered. When something came in — an email, a text — and you just lost it. That was not the time for me to be the sounding board.

Amie: So let me name the distinction clearly for everyone listening. What helped: honest, direct answers to specific questions, without her own emotional reaction layered on top. What did not help: emotional dumping, venting, pulling kids into her own processing. There is a real difference between those two things, and it is worth sitting with.

Other Resources Matter — You Are Not the Only One

McKenna: I also just want moms to know that you do not have to be the only resource for your kids. And you probably should not be.

We were so lucky to have an incredible therapist, a supportive youth group, family members who showed up for us. Those outside environments created safety that complemented what was happening at home. And watching my mom get her own help — seeing her do her own work — that was one of the most helpful things of all.

You should not have to suffer through this alone, and neither should your kids.

On Letting Kids Have Time With the Other Parent

Alana: So many women I work with are terrified to let their kids spend time with their ex. They have experienced real harm from this person, and they are afraid their children will too. Can you speak to that fear?

McKenna: I think trying to control everything around the other parent is not helpful. Because you allowed us to go spend time with Dad, we got to experience two very different environments for ourselves. And that contrast was actually really informative. We could feel the difference. We could trust what our bodies were telling us about where we felt safe.

You gave us the room to come to our own conclusions — and we did.

Amie: Therapy is what made that possible for me. It was genuinely hard to let go of that control. What I kept coming back to was trusting that God has my kids. When they were not in my environment, I had to turn them over to something bigger than me. I had to believe they were not invisible to whatever was watching over them.

Alana: For me it was grace. I kept reminding myself that grace works for my kids too. Even if they came through this with battle wounds — and they did — that grace was available to them as much as it was to me.

A Message to Dads

Alana: We have quite a few men who listen to this podcast — dads who are trying to figure out how to repair, how to show up after causing real harm. Is there anything from a child's perspective you would want them to hear?

McKenna: It all comes down to doing your work. That is what I wish more than anything that my dad had done — the deep, real healing work.

But I will say this: I am grateful that my dad has never stopped reaching out. Our relationship is not perfect. There are things I cannot go to him for. There was real hurt. But he has never given up on trying to let me know he loves me, and that matters more than I can fully explain.

I have friends whose dads just stopped reaching out at some point. And I can see the difference that makes. The one thing I can count on from my dad — the one consistent thing — is that he will never stop trying. And I know he loves me the best way he knows how right now.

So to any dad listening: just do not stop reaching out to your kids. Do not stop letting them know you love them. Even when the relationship is complicated. Even when they are not responding the way you hope. Do not give up on them.

Amie: And to the moms listening — and I know this is hard — part of the work is getting out of the way of that relationship. Letting it be between your kids and their dad. Not controlling when they communicate or how. As they get older and can manage that for themselves, letting them establish their own boundaries around it. That was some of the hardest work I did. And some of the most important.

There Is No Perfect Way — But Your Kids Will Be Okay

McKenna: There is no perfect way to handle any of this. You will always look back and think you should have done something differently. But here is what I know: your kids are agents for themselves. You are not in charge of how they turn out. As long as you focus on your own healing, your own health — that will help them. That alone will help them so much.

I am okay. My siblings are okay. I would not take back what we went through, because it brought us closer to each other and to God, and it shaped who we are. That might take your kids years to get to. That is okay. Let them have their timeline.

Your kids will be okay. It will end up the way it is supposed to.

Closing Thoughts

What McKenna has shared across these two conversations is something that does not have a voice nearly often enough — the real, unfiltered perspective of a child who lived it, did her work, and came out the other side.

Your children do not need a perfect parent. They need a parent who is real, who is willing to repair, who keeps showing up.

Healing is not found in perfection. It is found in honesty. In accountability. In the willingness to say I got that wrong and I am still here.

If you have been carrying fear that your divorce will ruin your children, that the trauma is too much, that your mistakes through all of this will define their future — I hope these last two weeks gave you a little more room to breathe. A little more hope. A little more ground to stand on as you keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Journal Prompt

Where am I relying on my children — emotionally, for validation, for reassurance — in a way that is actually their burden to carry rather than mine? What would it look like to take that back and find that support somewhere else?

Resources

Work with Amie: amiewoolsey.com | lifecoachingwithamie.com

Free monthly live Q&A — first Thursday of every month: amiewoolsey.com