11. When He Moves On; Healing From Betrayal and Divorce

 Hello? Hello, my amazing, beautiful, awesome listeners. Thank you for joining the empower divorce podcast today. So awesome to have you here. I am loving all of the feedback and questions that I'm getting and. Oh, my gosh. It's just so awesome to hear from you all. Again, please feel free to reach out.

To me with any questions or topics that you'd like me to I'm getting great feedback about the women supporting women episodes. It's making me so happy because this is exactly what I had in mind. , when I started this, that you will all will feel less crazy, less alone, and that you've got support.

And that I definitely have got your back as well. So thank you for being here. And again, please leave a review, share this podcast with other people because. That's how we get it to spread and help more women step into an empowered divorce. That's what we're going for here. Okay. My gosh, what a topic today, right?

When your ex moves on, maybe moves on quickly. And whether he moved on with the affair partner or just someone new. Gosh, this brings up a lot.

Whether he bought a house with his girlfriend, he got married, and she has kids and they just look so happy and everything is working out for him. And not me. Or you're thinking.

Things are just coming together for him. And I'm still trying to get through the day without crying. Or does anyone even care about me? I'm alone here. And he's getting all of this attention because of his new relationship, maybe you're thinking, oh my gosh, I hate my life. And maybe I should just give

And I don't even say that lightly. Like I I've shared before how I was suicidal and truly thought that this, I just, I couldn't do this, could not do this life. I could not do what was being handed to me. And so why don't I just give up? Other people say things like. You should just be more grateful and have more gratitude. Now I am going to do an episode on gratitude because this is a huge, huge piece to stepping into empowerment.

But there's a time. There's a time to step into And right. When you find out that your partner is moving on, isn't the time for someone to say this to you? That might be huh. Something hard to navigate. Or why don't you just get over him already, like move on because he has.

Ouch. Right. Or why was I not enough for him to be happy with.

Or how do I let myself feel all of this? I just want to get rid of it. Big emotions here. Totally validate. Yeah. If you're in this spot. Totally want to validate and hold space for that.

I really do. I know that in every episode I'm offering you thoughts, I'm pushing your brain to thinking things that it's not comfortable thinking. And yet. Ice totally believe that when you're ready. You can choose these thoughts there. They're completely available. But. It is so important to also hold space for where you are at and if this is where you're at. It's okay.

We don't need to make ourselves wrong or judge yourself. Or even feel shame. What I want to offer you is to at least hold space. From a place of empowerment. Because that's totally possible too. It wasn't long after my divorce, when my ex got remarried. And at that point there were. There were still lots of control, power issues.

Still couldn't have a conversation. Without him accusing me of something or playing victim of all of it. I really was right in the middle of still grieving. And the anger Of that grief cycle was alive and kicking. He would call the kids sometimes. And.

They'd have him on speaker. I usually go outside or in my room, so I didn't have to hear his voice. And cause it was just so triggering to hear him talking and

Acting like everything was just so great. And I wasn't doing so great. Well, I was cooking dinner one night and didn't realize that they were talking to him and they came in the kitchen with the phone on speaker and. And I hear him say, well, guys, I just want to let you know that I met someone and we're getting tomorrow hope you're okay with that.

I was, I mean, my kids were shocked. I was shocked and I'm like what the Kids didn't even really know what to say. And they didn't really know he was dating anyone serious and totally out of the blue. It was totally out of the blue for me. I was in shock. And. Look, I knew how to function around my kids in shock. Right. Like, oh, wow. How do you feel about that kids? Right? Like.

Yeah, just trying to be there for them. But later that night I cried and cried and cried. And then I was mad at myself for crying. I felt shame for crying because I didn't want him back. And.

And I was in angry mode. Remember? So I had all this anger. But why was I hurting so damn much? As I lay there in my closet, just sobbing. I had the thought come to me. This new thought was, you're not crying over him. You're crying over the loss. And idea of him. What you hoped he'd be. Yes. Yes.

And I was crying because I felt like he was living this happy life and I was dealing with And I didn't ask for that hard. And the kids didn't ask for that And I couldn't date because I was trying to have at least one stable parent. I felt gypped and even more angry after he got married that the kids now had a family over there.

Because I felt like mine was busted up and he just went out and got another one after dumping me.

He didn't try to heal He didn't do what I needed him to do to be with me. And it hurt all over And then when the kids came home and said, Hey dad said to call her mama blank. I don't want to say her name, but like I'll make up Dad said to call her mama Kate. I thought I was going to die. Like I threw up in my mouth a

Now I was dealing with another woman back in My trauma parts were telling me danger, danger, danger.

When you're divorcing because of betrayal. And most of you had, who have either. I never met your affair apart. Like they're a fair partner or never got to do that. Louisville Slugger. Carrie Underwood like card thing on the affair partner. There's missing pieces to the story. So no closure. And now this woman is a threat to your

And it's quite possibly associating her with the other woman in the picture that you never got to really accept in And in that betrayal experience. So it makes sense why she feels so threatening. It's also another woman in the lives of your kids, which. Probably even a bigger threat, right. Because mama bears now on the loose. So look out.

You're going to find yourself bouncing back and forth from these thoughts of like, bless her heart. She doesn't know what she's getting into. To good hell. What's wrong with her? To if she calls my kid, baby, one more time. I'm going to be sleeping in a jail sale night. Not kidding. Okay. But kidding, but not.

Like it's the craziest rollercoaster ride of emotions. And just when you think you're getting a little bit of a handle on being single boom, he moves

Okay. So here's what I want to offer you today to help you navigate this piece. From a place of empowerment because. When you think these thoughts and feel these feelings you're going to stay stuck. Remember this is the emotional divorce that we need. If you didn't hear that episode, go back and listen to that this isn't a say you don't get to feel. But we don't want to blame them for our feelings. We don't want to give them that power. Just like his affair in a sexual addiction had nothing to do with you. Neither does his moving on, have anything to do with you? What often is happening here underneath at

Is that we're making this mean something about ourselves, intrinsically meaning. We're connecting our worth and value in an enoughness. To this. And so it hurts. Our thoughts might be. That wasn't good enough for him. To choose what's wrong with me that he couldn't do the work to be healthy for me, but he will for her, which I highly argue that he really is healthy.

Your brain might be offering you thoughts that he gets to live happily ever after. And you're now alone, forever. So the first thinking to avoid. Is. Making this Anything about Let me see if you so much time and energy here by just saying that when you give yourself time and space to grieve and heal the relationship and divorce appropriately.

You are going to thrive and make healthy connections in your future. I promise you.

Most of the time, those who get married without healing are filling a void. They're not thinking about anyone but themselves. Most men don't have support systems through and during divorce. And after divorce. And so they want to have someone in their life, but rather than finding healthy support, they go to another relationship.

Now I know women do those too. And if you find yourself heading in this direction, please consider slowing things down and really navigating your healing and spending time with yourself first. In fact, I'm going to totally plug my dating after divorce workshop. Like you have to take that before you jump into another serious relationship.

But if we're talking about sexual addiction, Even though your partner acted outside the marriage. If he's still proclaiming to be in line, with religious values that include no sexual relationships outside of marriage, then there's another reason why he's getting married quickly, either way.

Either way, just notice these thoughts. And other thoughts like this that make you and how those make you feel when you focus on him and his reasoning. Notice how those thoughts keep you out of your life because you're focusing on his.

You don't have control over what he does and doesn't do. You never did. And I'm guessing. All of you found that out after all, but destroying yourself and turning. Inside out, trying to help him change and realizing you can't. So here you are again, focusing on him. And it's keeping you hostage. It's keeping you from focusing on your life and creating the experiences that you want to have.

I want you to be aware of the energy that you feel in your body when you think these thoughts. When you're thinking about this other woman and your kids and. All of that wane down energy. It's keeping you stuck. It's holding you back, it's limiting your ability to access a higher level of energy to move you forward.

Consider resisting the urge to investigate this woman on social media. No social media stocking. I know, you're probably justifying it by saying this woman is going to be around my kids. So I just need to know everything about her. Look. That's not going to help because there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. Anyways.

It's just going to make you more crazy attached and emotionally charged. This is the unnecessary suffering that. That can totally be avoided here. But when you're jumping on their train and watching their love story unfold. You were not helping yourself in any way here. So ask yourself this question.

How much am I giving up by staying attached to my version of their story? Because the sooner you let their story

The sooner you can focus on your story.

I want you to journal that question. Another thing to try and avoid here. Is misplacing your anger. Now, this does not mean anger. Isn't valid. Don't hear me wrong. You get to feel, and it's okay to feel anger and release this unhealthy ways. I've got some great ideas for But keep the anger from your children.

Do not let them see your anger. Over his choices. Here in women. And to get into a relationship. This doesn't help them. It hurts them. Remember they will figure things out in their own time and in their own way, when you get out of their way.

Your children are watching you. So do your best. To stay in your own bubble. And ask yourself. What is it costing me? To not handle my anger constructively here.

Okay. The last thing to avoid. Is not let this create pressure to move on yourself. This will not be a sustainable way to heal a promise.

You must feel in order to heal and moving on and we'll just be another way to numb out those emotions. Your journey is yours and his is his. So ask yourself, what can I control? What's in my control bubble, and you can choose to get a coach, a therapist. Both a support system to help you heal and navigate your divorce.

From a place of empowerment. Remember your power. Your agent power mode begins with what you choose And you get

About all Any way you choose.

What I want to share with you is how. Is how these catabolic thoughts are keeping new powerless and remember. This is the empowered divorce podcast. So I want to offer you some different thinking here, but. First, when I was focused on these thoughts that were focused on his life and who he was living with, I was feeling threatened

Again, I want to validate. Most of you are listening are coming from divorce, where you were betrayed and you're healing from PTSD doesn't happen overnight. You're most likely coming from a high conflict divorce now. And then they move on and you haven't even really tapped into the meat of healing and then this, so give yourself some grace here. Okay.

Can you see how hard this is to navigate and make total. It just makes total sense. Why. And why you would feel threatened. Why it feels impossible to accept that this is I had barely accepted the fact that I had to share them. With him outside the home, and now I have to share them with another woman.

Like oh, right. So when I was talking earlier about the emotional divorce piece. That is a huge part of moving on and healing. It's just another level, You might have been feeling frustrated that he's got the kids on his time Not with them. He's out dating around and. There at his house alone and they could be with you or now he's with her and he's not even home. And they could be with

If you don't have the first writer. Of refusal as part of your decree and even then, it's really hard to get this enforced sometimes. I get how hard this is. And yet having an empowered divorce is not focusing on what you don't have control here. And when the kids are at his house, you don't have control over that.

Does that suck? Yes. But if you allow it to consume you, it's going to impact you. And dare I say it will impact your children as well. Honestly.

So, what can you do when your kids are with him? Your experience when they are with him, can completely shift all because you think something differently. Women, you get to choose to think. I totally get a break and can watch whatever show I want. I get things done around the house without interruption.

I get to go out to lunch with friends. And I get to eat where I want, not where my kids want.

And when you're ready and have taken my dating workshop. You're going to love having them at his place because you get to date. I know, I know for some of you that thought feels so dangerous But please consider that the thoughts you have right now feel very true. And what I want to offer you is that they aren't.

You're just believing that they are, but really you get to choose what you want to think about this. And if right now you want to think that all of this sucks and it's not fair and you hate them. Okay. Not judging you and please don't judge yourself. Just know that when you're ready to take that step into empowerment, you can, it's available.

Whenever you want. And he doesn't have to change at all. And the circumstances don't have to change. Just your thoughts. Do.

Now my ex's marriage only lasted a year and he's been with different women since. But that's the experience he wants to have, and it has nothing to do with me. And the less I involve myself, the more space I have to focus on my life. This is hard some times. I'll be honest. When I start to think about how it might be impacting my kids.

But again, my kids are capable of choosing for themselves and I choose to think. That it's not my place to get in their way. And when I focus on me in my I have more Opportunities to share my life with them.

Okay, so here is how you shift from catabolic waned on energy, where you're going to feel stuck. Like a victim powerless, hopeless, where you might be feeling like you're getting the raw end of the deal and life just isn't We're going to shift from that to. You loved with all your might mind and strength in that marriage?

And you have nothing to be ashamed of. You try to be the best version of yourself and turn yourself inside out to try and save that marriage. And you can be proud of your efforts. His choices have nothing to do with your worth. And enoughness. You were infinitely lovable. And he. As an agent gets to choose who he loves.

But you love yourself enough to know that you're worth being loved in a healthy

Believe that you worked hard to love. And you get to own all of those moments and happy moments in that relationship, despite his actions.

You earned those experiences? Because you were thinking thoughts that created your own emotion of love and happiness during those times.

Even when now you look back and know. That those times you thought were happy. He was making different choices. You worked hard for those experiences. Those are yours to keep.

Believe that you can't lose your kids. They are and will always be yours. No one else can take your place no matter where your kids are, you will always have a front row seat to their life, cheering them along the way.

Believe that the more people who love your children. The better, because look, they live in a difficult world where love isn't chosen as much.

So if someone chooses to love them, it benefits them. It gives them a better chance to feel safe in the world when they know people, see them and love

Believe that when you can focus on yourself in your life. And what you have control over. You will not only be happier. But you will be able to start seeing options that you couldn't see when you believe you're the victim.

When you believe that your kids get to now. See different lifestyles and all you can do is control the lifestyle. In your healing

Then you won't be so afraid for them. Because they're going to see a Lutz. Of different lifestyles as they grow up. And all you can control is yours. And you can hope that they see your values, your integrity, and your love for your higher power. For yourself. And for them.

But you won't be able to create that when you're in his bubble. When you're focused on his life and his values or lack there of. So here's what I'll offer you to practice this week. Notice when you're thinking thoughts that begin with, I can't. I have two.

I shouldn't. He shouldn't.

And then get curious about those thoughts, write them down, notice what your brain is offering you there. And don't judge yourself. You don't need to make yourself wrong for what your brain's offering. Okay, those are just thoughts. And we want to practice. Seeing them and being in charge of the human brain. Right. So you're going to notice them and then practice a new thought that begins with I choose.

Step into your power, choose what you want to think and feel and do what you have control over.

Notice how this shifts your energy, notice how you're feeling freer to love your life. And notice the opportunities you will see because of it. This is how. You have an empowered divorce. Because you are enough just as you are right now. And you are infinitely lovable.

No matter

All right, everyone. Thank you for joining me. I will see you next week.