27. Grieving After Divorce; Healing From Betrayal Trauma, Abuse, and Divorce

 Well, hello. Hello.

My amazing beautiful listeners.

Thank you for joining me today. How are you? I am hoping that those of you who are

experiencing grief right

now, or maybe you saw the title and

you're like, Ugh,

I don't want to look

at grief right now.

Wherever you're at.

It is safe to say that because divorce is a loss because of what you've experienced

in betrayal and abuse is

lost. You are grieving. Whether you see it or not, whether you want to or not.

And.

I want to just share a couple things.

And of course,

a tool that you can start practicing today

that will help

you process your grief

and move

towards it in a healthy way. I want to hold space today

for beautiful grief.

Yes.

Beautiful.

I'd

like to invite

you to consider

a different way perhaps to view grief after divorce

so that you can actually

benefit.

From grieving. Because when you do

lean into it

and accept it and

allow yourself to feel

it,

You'll

benefit because it will move

through you. If you don't, it will stay stuck in

you. And start

to manifest

in different ways. But

grief.

Is it very natural

human response

to loss.

or perceived

loss. Either way. It

is very, very important to the healing journey.

And a lot of us

run from it. Avoid

it.

Or make

it mean something about us intrinsically. For

example, I'm not strong enough, I'm weak. I'm not doing

as good

as I thought

when we

experience.

The intense emotions of

grief. And so hopefully after

today, we can

reframe some of those unhealthy messages, those

incorrect messages. There's a book on grief and grieving by Elizabeth

Kubler, Ross and David Kessler, which I love. And they've got such great thoughts

there on the griefs.

The stages of

grief.

The two of my favorites

that I

love coding all the

time is the first one by David

Kessler. He says your loss is the greatest loss. And the other thing I'm going to talk about today is my favorite quote that says

there is no correct

way or time to grieve.

So I want to share a few thoughts to help empower

you. Into this grieving

stage, the screaming

journey. I know, right? Like what.

You

mean move out of grief, right? Amy? Like, why are you making me step into grief? Well, first

of all, I'm not making you

do anything, but

definitely inviting, definitely encouraging. And hopefully with the thoughts I shared today,

It will

help. Kind

of create a little

bit of space, maybe between the thoughts that you currently have about your grief and about processing

it and feeling it.

That might be keeping you stuck. And allow you some

wiggle room to move towards it.

With a

different mindset.

Because when

you choose into

grief and accept

and make space for

it. Your body

will know what to do

with it. Like your

body was designed and created to know what to do with this grief. W and these emotions

when you actually.

Let it be there so you don't

have to worry or stress out over that part.

You have

enough to worry

about with choosing. Into

grief. Right.

Okay

first. Please, please, please, please.

No. That comparing losses. Your

loss to another person's loss. What you've

lost to what others have lost is not helpful. And we'll keep you from moving on. This is the

first point

I want to make today. Your experience is

yours. It's

real.

It's not to be measured against

anyone else's

And it will help you to accept

what you have

in fact lost. But

if you're busy ranking it and moralizing it or

comparing it. You are not seeing it for what it actually is.

I remember someone finding

out.

That I was

divorcing.

They didn't know, they were surprised. And so you get

the whole, you

know, Oh my

gosh, I can't believe it.

I never would

have guessed. He was so nice. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Go read about covert narcissism. Anyways. They found out I was divorcing and then made some comment. That

not only stung. But I felt. Some guilt

show up after this

comment. They said, wow, that

does sound really hard. And

then they threw out

this comment. Well,

at least it's not as bad as so-and-so's husband who died recently. And that was

just so sudden, and now she's

totally alone. Least, your

kids still get

a dad. Ah, Like,

Okay.

So ouch, because a

lady, you have no idea how

much loss I have felt where. Really

like a death of a loss. And

guilt. Because,

yes, my kids have

their father in their lives, but one that wasn't, in my opinion, healthier, stable.

So there's that. This is so not helpful for

others to do, but

especially for you to do to yourselves, you can't control what other people

say.

But letting those comments in letting those

comments. Have power.

Is not going to be helpful. So just bubble up those

comments and kick those thoughts out of your bubble when they come up, because they're, they're not going to help.

When you do that, you are moving away from your beautiful grief. Grief

is leaning into not running away from.

Grief comes when you make space

for it. And when

you're focused

on someone

else's grief.

Overshadowing

or. More deserving of grief,

then your experience, then you're not

open.

And then your body holds onto it. Stores it shoves

it. Puts it in different places. And then physiologically, it's going to show up in

some way. That's unhealthy and painful and a different

kind of pain weight.

Grief is not trying to change things or shift out of pain. It's leaning into the pain

and feeling

it in your body.

Okay. The second point around grief I

want to make

today is. There is no right way or right time to grief.

How many of you are saying. To you about your grief. Hey.

We

have to get over this. So let's just start feeling it. Let's get this done and get

this over with, or. We do not have

time for this. So let's stop feeling. Or

if I start feeling now,

I am never going to

stop crying. Never going to

get out of bed.

If I let myself feel anger.

Then I'm going to do something drastic.

First

of all. I know this feels very

true, but it's not.

Feeling. Is done in your body feelings happen in your body?

It's a very physiological

experience. Reacting is not to

feeling. So doing something

out of anger actually would

not be feeling

your anger.

And it's

important not to place a timetable or make this a checklist. The stages

of grief

are not linear.

There's not

this. Okay. Feel sad. Check. Okay. Feel angry.

Check done

with those

stages. And I know that that's

frustrating because a lot of us like checklists. Because it means there's an end.

When I

say is linear. And we're moving in and out and up and

down.

Ah, that's why

it feels like you're going crazy and where you can tell

your friend in the store at church

that,

that you run into who asks, Hey, how you

doing it in the moment you feel fine, but then.

20 minutes later, you're sobbing in the cereal aisle or the janitor's closet and the church building, which. At least there's toilet paper

in the janitor's closet. And I mean, I guess the inside of my t-shirt makes the good tissue as well, but. Anyways. I remember I was cleaning lady's house and listening to like,

Music, apple radio or something like that. And I was scrubbing

baseboards. And our song

came on the playlist. And so I was

triggered. I felt that loss, I

felt the pain and the

tears were just flowing down my face.

As I'm like wiping

these baseboards.

And I remember

thinking I can

not keep doing this. I can't keep crying at work. The

truth is I could.

It was actually

okay. When I

did have clients in the house while I was

cleaning. And I'd felt the emotions come up and

go in the bathrooms and

clean and turn

the water

on and cry.

I clean

move out

apartments where no one was there.

And I crank up

the anger songs and

get all my

swear words

out and scrub that

oven, soda and clean.

Get creative on how you can make

space for these emotions. Don't believe

your brain when it very quickly says, no, we

can't do this.

No, we can't feel this. No, we

don't have time.

Just doubt your brain. Just be like, I'm not sure. I believe you right now.

How can

we make space for this?

Sometimes I tell my

grief that I

needed to get to it later.

And

then. After putting

the kids to bed

before I did the laundry dishes,

bills, all that kind of stuff. I go in my closet floor

under the pile of laundry and hide and cry.

And guess what.

I stopped

at some point.

I didn't

cry forever.

And then I could go and do those other things that I

needed to do. Again, I know there's this thought

that comes, that says you're never going to

stop crying. You're never going to get out of

bed. You're never going to function.

But I

promise when you actually

choose into grief and feel

it in your body. Is it in my chest.

Counting the tears coming down your eyes.

Noticing if my hands are scrunched

or my toast scrunched,

I feel swirling

or turning in my stomach. Is there a lump in

my throat?

That is feeling it in your

body.

And then taking a deep breath in letting it

be there, letting

the tears fall.

I heard this once and

I stopped actually wiping the

tears away and I

let them fall and I counted them.

It tasted them.

I was with

that grief.

And not resisting.

We're shoving it down.

And guess what.

I did stop at some point and I could go do those things.

But I just remember thinking

that I want

all this intensity to go away.

I just want it all to go away so that I

can go back to

just being okay. But the truth about

trauma. Is, you'll never. Be the same. And grief is

showing up to make

you very aware of

this fact. It's

letting you know that

you are not that

same person.

Who thought your marriage was

sacred and her husband was being faithful.

Grief is letting you

know that your

hope of a future together. And as a family in one unit.

Isn't working out how you planned and it looks different

now. Grief is letting you know

that. Abuse is not okay. And it wasn't your

fault and you didn't know exactly what was happening. And so many boundaries and personal violations were made and you don't

have to accept it.

Grief is letting you know. That there really isn't anything that

you can do more of to change that person. Even though it feels like you could have, or should

have we're

supposed to. You can't. And accepting that.

That loss. Of control

is painful and hard to.

And grief is

letting you know.

So you're not the same. And yet

you do move on and move

forward,

creating something new. I've learned

from grief that I am. Strong and I am

a survivor. It's important to recognize when you're avoiding these feelings can sometimes be hidden behind going and

going and moving and moving and just

going so fast and doing

all the things that you feel like gotta do this. Gotta do that.

And

you're. And

now you're not

letting your body actually feel any of

it.

This coping

strategy will only last so

long. And at

some point, we'll either show up

in physical

ailments in the body, like auto-immune diseases, migraines, high

cortisol levels. Unbalanced hormones,

chronic pain. It will

manifest. And be in some way.

Very painful in a different way, whether you like it or not.

So leaning into this and

making space. We'll eliminate.

A

higher risk of side effects. If you

will. Does that make sense? So we're not

this isn't a, how do we get

rid of

pain and not be pain, pain as part of earth life? It's the 50 50.

But we don't have to step into

such high

risk

situations with our

body.

That bring

on these chronic ailments and chronic physical

pain.

So when you allow yourself to feel and process. Yeah, it's going to be

uncomfortable and it's requires

vulnerability. Many people, AKA.

Other

avoiders shovers and reactors. Can get uncomfortable

with those who feel their feelings.

You can just like, feel it in the air, right? If

you maybe you've experienced

this already, where.

You are leaning into more

of that vulnerability.

And you're sharing it with people

or you're sharing

an experience

or sharing that, you know what I'm really angry right now.

And this is

what I'm feeling in my body.

It's a lot of anger.

And that person who doesn't know how to be vulnerable with themselves.

It might have a response or a reaction to that.

And I just want you

to be prepared and know that it's

still doesn't mean you're doing

something wrong. Remember their response is reflected of reflective

of where they're at in their own journey

and in their own.

Holistic healing.

I had an experience at church

church when a man got up. To speak and was so vulnerable with his emotions and experiences

of doubting his faith and even being mad at God.

And you can like feel the silent gasps

in the congregation when he started sharing. And

like the energy just completely shifted

and me being very aware of

energy and others, I totally felt it. And I was sitting there. And I looked at

Scott.

And it was one of those looks where he's like, oh boy, what are you going to do? So I'm like, watch me now. So of course I

got up and after him and shared my feelings and thoughts, and I publicly thanked him for being

vulnerable. Even though it can cause

discomfort. And

that it is that

discomfort through that discomfort

that you discover your real power. And I said some other things too, and,

but I just had to get up and validate that brave man for doing

what many humans avoid doing and that's

feeling. And being vulnerable about it. Okay. So here's

one thing that

you can start

with. Start

practicing.

As you begin

your grieving journey, or maybe you feel

stuck in your grief, maybe you feel like, oh my gosh, I'm.

I'm still here.

Can you just pay attention to that thought right there? I'm still

grieving.

Notice

the judgment. With that thought.

Notice that there's this idea that you should

be somewhere else other than where you are.

Notice how that's

taking you out of the present. Which is taking

you out

of. Yourself, it's disconnecting from where you are. Taking

you out of self-compassion. If your thought is

still

here.

So I want to

challenge that thought. And if we're leaning into

an, a power

divorce, that means we need to

grieve and powerfully.

Yes, it's a

thing.

So

one thing that you can do, if you haven't

done, this is make a list of all the things that

you have lost

or perceived losses because of your experience. '

cause you listeners. Are not just divorcees. You are trauma survivors as well as abuse survivors,

And that

comes with a lot of loss too. So the first

step is to identify

and acknowledge

what those losses are in your life

and writing them out, gives them a

voice,

and it also gives

space to validate yourself. So that's what you

can do this week

for practice. And then

if you want to take it to

another.

Another step, another implement

another practice, be aware of your body, your physical body.

And the emotions

that are showing up.

Just throughout the day. Right. Denial,

anger, bargaining depression.

What stages coming

up in this moment?

Of

grief.

And how can I make space for

that? That part, that

experience.

If you are finding yourself in this episode, feeling like, oh my gosh, it

just feels too big, too

much. That's why I'm giving

you that one practice make a list of your losses is maybe all you need to lean into right now.

So that you are validating those experiences for yourself.

What this also does.

When you can write them

out. It's a lot like brain dump. Thought dumping that tool that I've offered before.

When you get your thoughts out on paper,

you can

S

you can create a little bit of

distance between

you and your thoughts and what that's.

Also doing is helping you.

Not identify with

the thought. Sometimes we believe that the thought is true it's fact and it's us.

And when you

can get it out on

paper and see it and, and see that, oh, this is what

my brain is offering me.

Then you're creating a little bit of space. And it's a

little bit of that time to go, huh?

Not me. That thought's not serving me or, Hmm. Interesting. Let me get more curious about that. It's that same concept that

I've shared before.

And that's what this list

will do for

you. Also, it's going to help

you write out those

losses and observe them.

And that's why I said. Right out the

things that you've lost and also perceived losses. There were many things that I felt like I lost.

But once I got

more curious about that, I

was like,

actually,

I

haven't really lost

that. So for example, I know I wanted to make this

short, but really

quickly. For example. I thought.

One of the thoughts that my brain offered me was

and those losses of grief with I

lost my family. I lost my family unit. It's gone. It's

destroyed. Okay.

And with that thought brought sadness an eight and anger, depression.

Okay. Grief.

But

when I had the experience of taking our first family

pictures, And

that was with my

family, my

Extended

family, my parents,

and all my siblings. I'm the oldest of seven.

So all of my siblings were married and had children. And my parents wanted to do

family pictures.

And so, Got my kids ready. We drove up to the house where the pictures were going to be taken. I get out. And immediately I felt the wave

Just pile onto me. It didn't help

that someone made a

comment about

my outfit,

which made me feel even more insecure. And I just thought, oh my

gosh. I can't do this. Because that thought

was.

I don't

have a family like everybody I

lost that.

Everyone else has. A spouse and kids and I don't. I've lost that.

And so hence

grief, right? So we go through the whole

pictures and yada, yada, we take my pictures and they fake smile and I go in the bathroom, my parents' house, and I

just saw, it was like, it was serious. It was miserable.

Well, weeks later after the pictures are being

done and the photographer

mailed

me my set of pictures.

And I

wasn't looking forward to them at all. Honestly. And I, and I quite honestly didn't expect them to get mailed to

me. I thought that they would go to my

parents. She'd throw it on the wall and there you go. That's going to replace

the picture of me and my

husband. And. That'll

satisfy you

and

now there's not going to be a hole in your wall space. Like that's

literally how I was thinking about it. Right.

But

they were sent to me. So I get it. I opened the envelope.

I pull

out this

beautiful picture. Of.

Me and my children.

And

immediately as I

looked at that picture, the first

thought was what a beautiful

family.

What a beautiful family.

And I was overcome by emotion and

I felt.

So much gratitude.

Four.

My new family unit.

My

new healthy

family unit.

So that loss that I originally felt I had loss of family. Was only perceived loss

because in

reality, I still have my family.

Me and my

children, we're a family.

And I probably put that

picture up on our wall.

posted it all

over social

media. So

that's why I say losses and perceived losses. And when you can get them out,

And start

getting curious about

them and question them and really look at is

that really a loss and how might that

not be a loss and how

can I, right.

Do you see where I'm going with this? You

can start to maybe eliminate some of

this grief that you can move through.

Because you can

see where

maybe.

What your brain is

telling you is a loss. Really? Isn't. And that's going to help you move

forward.

And this

grief move through your

grief. Is

as individual of

an experience as you are in this

And you are beautiful inside and out. And this experience of grief. Does

not change

So bravely empowering,

only

lean in.

Is that a word empowering? Only. I just made it up. It's a new word. Lean

in.

And start with just maybe

this one tool that I'm offering. And if you have any further questions about

this, please

feel free to email me and

reach out. So I can do another episode and answer your question on

it. Because every experience is individual. All right,

everyone. Thanks

for joining me. Take care. See you soon.