161. Your Inner Critic

Hello. Hello, my amazing, beautiful listeners. How are you? I am so glad that you are here with me today. I wanna talk about something that almost every single woman I work with struggles with after betrayal and divorce, and that is the voice of the inner critic.

You know, the one, the part of you that says you should have seen this coming, or if you had been prettier, smarter, more sexual.

He wouldn't have strayed or maybe this inner critic says, you can't trust ever. Pick a good man again. Or you're never gonna make it on your own, or you're always going to be alone because no one wants to be with you. Whatever that voice is, that voice is probably relentless.

If you are relating to even some of those, you're not alone. Today. I wanna help you understand what this voice really is, why it is so loud after betrayal, and how you can soften it. Let me give you a few more examples of how the inner critic might show up in your life. If you had been stronger, you wouldn't still be struggling.

Maybe that's what your inner critic is saying, or your marriage failed. So what makes you think that you could be successful at anything? Yet another one. No one else is ever gonna want you. If you had been a better wife, he wouldn't have cheated. You will never get it right. You will just keep repeating the same mistakes again.

If any of these phrases, these critical phrases, sound familiar or feel like a knife is stabbing you in the heart right now. These thoughts that you may have, and so many more, might feel like facts, like very. True facts, but they are not. They are not facts. They are parts. They are parts of you, and that is first and foremost a very important distinction to make. In Internal Family Systems, which is a therapeutic modality, the inner critic is understood to be a protector part. Yes, I said protector. I know it doesn't feel very protective with all of these different thoughts, but its job really isn't to torture you, even though it can absolutely feel that way.

Its job is to try and create safety, make you safe. It believes that if it can keep you hypervigilant. And self-critical, then you won't be blindsided again. It thinks that if you focus on your flaws and all the things that you can't do, never did, will never get done, then you'll be motivated to fix all of those things that are wrong with you to maybe prevent rejection.

It hopes that if you rehearse your mistakes enough. Those of you who have rumination, if you replay over and over and over and over and over and over and over, all the things that maybe you did wrong, that you didn't get right, or that you could have done different, it hopes that you won't repeat it, avoiding pain, hurt, betrayal. At its core, it is terrified of more pain, abandonment, rejection, failure. It's going to give you all of these thoughts to try and prevent. More of that. It didn't like it the first time. It doesn't wanna do it again. And the inner critic gets so much louder after betrayal and divorce, and it's usually saying, I never want us to get hurt like this ever again.

The problem is that while the critic is technically trying to protect you, it usually leaves you stuck in shame. And shame is gonna keep you from moving forward. And I know a lot of you just want to move forward. So this is why awareness. Is the first step. We always start with that first pillar of healing, that is awareness.

Becoming more aware of what your inner critics are saying about you, what they want you to know, and how they might be trying to protect you. So when you pause, that pause creates space for more awareness. When you pause and say. Oh, this is my inner critic part talking. First of all, you separate yourself from it.

You create a little bit more distance from you who you really are, which by the way, if you don't know already, you are a hundred percent of worth of value. You are a hundred percent enough no matter what, and you are infinitely lovable. Your inner critic is separate from that. Whatever your inner critic is telling you about you.

We gotta keep it separate. And when we step into awareness, we're creating a little bit more distance between higher self and this part of the self. This also creates space to respond rather than react. Kristin Neff, who is a researcher around self-compassion, puts it so beautifully, it's one of my favorite quotes.

She says, self-criticism asks what is wrong with me? Self-compassion asks what happened to me. Isn't that such a beautiful shift? Your critic part, your inner critic part, is going to blame you, focus on you, turn against you, especially when it can't find answers outside of you. So those of you who are having a divorce without closure, meaning you don't know all the pieces, you don't have all the answers, you don't really know why this happened, you're still struggling with reality fragmentation, when you can't find those missing pieces of the puzzle.

Your brain, which is designed to find the missing pieces, can't find them from the other person, but other person will never tell you, nor will it ever really be the truth. So guess what? It does? It turns against you. Towards you. Okay, well then you must be the problem. How do we combat that? How do we counter that self-compassion?

What happened to me, my experience versus me? I'm not gonna blame me. This isn't about. Me and who I really am, but I absolutely experienced this. Just that reframing can create so much more compassion rather than criticism. So here are a few ways to start noticing your inner critic with a little bit more clarity.

Track the words. Write down. This is where thought dumping. If you aren't doing this every day, alright, I mean, this is your, this is your, I don't even know, 50th. How many episodes have I done? This is your hundredth challenge. An invitation to do thought dumping. I want you to write down all of the exact phrases that your inner critic uses towards you, against you, about you, is that you're too needy.

You're never gonna be enough. You're never gonna be able to trust anybody again because you don't trust you. Seeing these words on paper helps you step back from them, create that distance, and look at these words on paper from more of an observer role, rather than carrying it in your shoulders and in your throat and in your chest and in your gut, or creating again that distance.

Number two, notice the triggers. When does this voice show up most? When does the inner critic come? Blazing in for you the most. Maybe it's when you set boundaries. Maybe it's when you look in the mirror. Maybe it's when you think about dating again, becoming aware of the patterns will help you catch it sooner.

Number three, this is a really important one, ask the inner critic whose voice this really is. This is one of the most powerful questions that you can ask because oftentimes the inner critic is not even your original voice. It may be echoing things like, what your ex said. It may sound like a parent, an old teacher, someone from your past.

Over time, those external voices can become internalized, and now even if the person isn't in your life, even if that person is gone or not as involved in your life, those words live in your nervous system. Realizing this can be so freeing because it helps you see what you don't have to carry. Anymore, especially when it's not even your story.

To begin with, I was doing a somatic healing session with a client just the other day, and she, she had a lot of tension in the back of her neck. She realized that this phrase, this limiting belief that she had about herself, was living in the back of her neck, it wasn't hers, it was her husband's.

So I asked what her body would like to do with that. And she took her hand and she swiped it. If you're on YouTube, you can see what I'm doing. But she swiped her hand across the back of her neck and I said, flick it out, swipe it out, give it back. I said, do that as many times as your body needs to get rid of it.

The more she swiped, the more tears started to flow, the realization that she doesn't have to carry this anymore. I asked her following the session what stood out to her the most about that, and she said, number one, that I don't have to carry all of these thoughts, that I can actually let them go. And number two, how much lighter I feel now that I'm not carrying it.

It was such a beautiful example of how we really can. Let go of these inner critical thoughts that just do not service anymore.

Okay, so Amy, I'm aware of it now, what do I do with it. Here are a few things that you can do to ease the grip that these inner critic parts might have on you. First, acknowledge and thank it. Instead of fighting the inner critics, saying, oh my gosh, this is ridiculous. It's not even mine. I hate this.

Why do I keep believing? You're never gonna hate yourself into change? Remember? So instead of fighting, resisting, or even avoiding the inner critic, I hear you. I know that you're trying to protect me. Thank you. But I can handle this now. Then reframe this with compassion. Remind yourself, I am not broken, I am healing, or this mistake does not define me.

This experience. Did not define me. Then ground in your body. Y this is such a huge one. You've gotta get your body involved. We can't just think our way out of things. This is why somatic healing matters. So get in your body, place a hand on your heart or your stomach, wherever that inner critic voice is living.

At this time, wherever you notice that activation in your body the most when you're doing this, place your hand gently, above, or on that part of your body. Take a deep breath. Breathe in very slowly. Breathe out very slowly. Let your body feel the reassurance and safety that you, your higher self, is in charge.

You've got you. Then anchor into your values. Instead of letting the critic lead, ask, what choice would align with my values right now. If I believe this inner critic and I let this part of me lead the way in this decision or in this experience. Or in this circumstance, if I align with my values, how would that change things right now for me?

Then here's a journal prompt. Write a conversation between you and your critic. Let it speak, and then respond from your higher, wiser self. This can be surprisingly healing. Some other questions that you can take with you today to help shift your relationship with your inner critic.

What are some exact words that my inner critic uses most often? When you thought dump daily, you will know very clearly what those are on a daily basis.

Our human brain isn't that creative oftentimes. It just makes crap up. When does this voice show up the most in my life? Whose voice does this actually sound like, what is this part afraid will happen if it stops criticizing me? This is a really beautiful question. I'm gonna say that again.

What is this part. Afraid will happen if it stops criticizing me? And then what is my higher self know to be true instead? Okay. Your inner critic really is not the enemy. It is a part of you that is trying to keep you safe. But it forgot that you have grown stronger. It forgot that you are learning how to protect yourself. Now, it doesn't have to. The more you meet this part with curiosity instead of contempt, the more it begins to soften. The more you practice self-compassion, the more space you create for healing, for freedom, and for choice.

Remember, you're not broken. You are becoming, and you don't have to let the critic write your story 📍 because you are the chooser in your life and you get to create the life that you want because you can take care everybody. Many  of you have asked for practical tools that you can use in those moments where your nervous system just won't settle down, when the text comes through, when the court date looms, or when you have an unexpected trigger that blindsides you. That is why I have created trauma trigger kits.

This is an empowerment bag. They're designed to help you shift from feeling hijacked by a trigger to remembering that you do have choice, you do have agency, and it brings you back into the present moment and into safety. Each kit includes calming, sensory tools, grounding cards,

essential oil spray,

lit balm, tension ball, things to access your senses.

That you carry with you or even use at home. I design them with you in mind. Simple, effective, and trauma informed. If you've been wishing you had something that you could reach for in the moment, instead of spiraling, this is it. If you don't wanna put your own together, then you can order your kit today and add to it if you want to. Grab yours with the link in the show notes or go to amy woolsey.com, head over to the swag shop and find your trauma trigger kit there.

📍 Because healing just isn't about surviving the ways of trauma. It is about reclaiming your power and remembering.