167. Navigating The Middle Space Of Divorce

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I want everyone to hear that despite how absolutely unfair and not in choice this divorce was for most of you, even if you had to be the one to decide divorce like I was, it still was because it was either your life or divorce. Not many people talk about the complexities, and one of the complexities that I often hear is how do I deal?

With the middle space of divorce, and no one really talks about this, right, like the silence around this stage can be absolutely deafening. Everyone talks about deciding to divorce. Everyone talks about life after divorce, but hardly anybody really talks about the messy middle, the messy middle space in between, like when you are technically still married.

oftentimes living under the same roof still, uh, , waiting on papers, lawyers, mediation, the endless legal steps and how many times that legal process gets drawn out. This is the stage where the anger, the grief, shock, confusion, it comes in like waves. Where you are dealing with lawyers, paperwork, mediation, , fake parenting from the other side, like all of a sudden they wanna be a parent.

And that then the accusations of your character and all of a sudden your parenting where, , never was there a problem before with your parenting. I mean, you were the, basically the sole parent, many of you, and not, , not a complaint. . When they wanted to spend, , all day golfing and , you just, carried the load.

Now, you're alienating and all the things, it's just, it's absolutely asinine when you are not the one who acted outside of integrity. It is unfair in court and sometimes the second or the third lawyer change is. What you're in the middle of this everyday limbo. You might still be in the same house with him, or maybe not, but it's still limbo in your life and none of this is what you asked for.

Does this sound familiar And many of you are wondering why this stage is so hard. Well, first of all, you're living oftentimes with the person who harmed you. You're still associating with them way more , than what you want to be. it's almost like being forced to share this space now with a stranger.

A stranger who you once thought you knew, who you thought knew your soul,, you thought you were soulmates. It's. Hard because your identity is clashing. You see this person both as the one you thought you knew and loved and loved you, and now the one who betrayed you. It's hard because waiting, the actual waiting in this middle space becomes trauma.

The endless waiting is gonna fuel. Your anxiety because your body is craving closure and resolution freedom, but the system, the legal system is so, so painfully slow. I just, I wanna validate some of these layers in this middle space that you may or may not relate to. Maybe some of 'em and some of you, all of them.

These are very relatable to me and my story, but I, I really see this show up a lot in my clients and one of the ways that this shows up is, is just living in that ambiguity where where again, you're technically married but not really, and it's weird and it's confusing and awkward and challenging as hell.

I see this where friends and family don't always know how to treat you in this space either, right? Some are pulling away, some are pushing advice that you're maybe not ready for. And in my own middle space, I was really trying to get his family to see, to open their eyes, to help me help him all the while, barely, starting to see the truth myself. You're in limbo, socially, legally, emotionally, you can't really grieve fully because it's not like officially over and you can't rebuild fully because you're still tethered in a lot of ways. So, what do you do? And, going back to like the, the social ambiguity, do you still go out with the.

The friend, the couple's friends that you had, or are they already choosing sides? Do you show up to that family gathering? , Do you start separating some of these events or do you just have to suck it up buttercup and, you know, show up anyways? All the while you're triggered and emotionally exhausted?

Just all the things I see a lot of times clients wondering, do they accept the, the, the lunch invite with the sister-in-law? Or maybe now the invites stop coming and those friends that you used to do dinner and movie night with are going without you. This is often when women feel the most invisible.

You're no longer. A wife, but not yet free to really claim divorce. And in the words of so many of my clients, you know, they'll say, I'm married on paper, but divorced in my heart. But still, what do you do with that? So this living in ambiguity is really, really challenging. then you have the constant triggers, right?

Seeing him come home, still hearing his voice, whether they're in the space or the voice on the phone. 'cause they're calling the kids. Oh my gosh, that voice was so triggering. Hey, my kids are putting him on on speaker so that they all could listen really, so that it can do what they were still doing.

'cause a lot of times they didn't wanna talk to him, but either way, the voice was on speaker and I would have to go lock myself in the bathroom. I'm like, I can't, I cannot handle the voice. if you are living with them, maybe just their smell in the bathroom. The cologne is still permeating. One hand, he used to love it and now makes you sick.

Things that that meant safe when you were married, when you were living in that false reality now are sparking so much anger and so much grief. if you're living in the same space with them, sometimes there's just this sheer, sheer callousness like they're watching tv. You are making dinner.

your world is crumbling and it feels like gaslighting. You know, life still goes on. Kids get kids ready for school. Groceries still have to be bought. Dinner's still. You have to be made, laundry still has to get done. And sometimes you're stuck in the same routine, the same roles. Like, I did the laundry and I did the grocery shopping, and they did this, and they did that.

And you're still kind of stuck in those roll, but it's triggering now. And there's resentment now. You don't wanna buy his freaking food. You don't wanna make dinner, you don't wanna, oh, do anything. You don't want him showing up at the kids' games and acting like everything's fine. the triggers just, they just don't stop the courthouse, the waiting room, the email from the lawyer, the ping from the text from him.

Each one of these things are a reminder that you're, you're in a war that you never wanted and didn't start, and some of you are still sharing this home space, Oh my gosh. My client, that'll say he's dating.

He's actively dating. I can't believe it. Can you believe it? Here we are. He's still in my space. Yeah. He might be in another room. We're not sharing the bed, but he's actively dating the affair partner or just dating in general. It's brutal. Especially if you're still walking on eggshells because you're living with a stranger in your house.

of course that's gonna lead to the next one where your nervous system is absolutely taking a toll in this middle space. So maybe that hyper vigilance, it's now become a lifestyle. Like it's just your way of life, your scanning, his mood, his tone, his movement. , Maybe moments of calm don't really feel calm anymore, and so you're bracing for that shoe to drop.

Or maybe you're frozen, , like where you grab your keys, head to the grocery store, sit in the parking lot, forget why you're there. Can't make yourself get outta the car and your eyes start fixating on the red Ford parked in front of you and your brain starts spinning about whether or not it's the fair partner drove an ICER car than yours.

Is it red? Just like the red I'm staring at? That's very real. when your nervous system is absolutely all over the place, it's, it's going to cause sheer exhaustion. That exhaustion just sets in and your body can't carry this constant stress. So you either can't sleep or all you do is sleep.

You can't eat, or all you do is eat. Your digestion is just off your immune system's crashing. Your mind is maybe racing with 50 thoughts at once, but you can't focus on any one of them. This is why so many women, this is called that stage of brain fog, and it's like time has slowed down, but your body is still racing.

It's the weirdest, craziest feeling in this middle. Space that no one really talks about. then some of you are experiencing those power dynamics that are absolutely unfair. So maybe he's controlling the pace of the divorce, not signing the papers, dragging out responses, manipulating finances, using, the kids as leverage.

even if you're the one that chose divorce, this stage can feel like he still holds the keys to your freedom and sometimes. He does, and so does the legal system. It's not uncommon for those abuse dynamics to escalate here. And so we've got, more of those controlling tactics, more of the stonewalling, more of the financial abuse happening.

those power, those unfair unbalanced power dynamics are absolutely gonna be part of this middle space for many of you.

then you have the losses that are gonna show up in this middle space. you're gonna experience grief in so many unexpected ways where maybe all those little updates that you used to give about the kids, about your day, or even here and. It's just not safe anymore. Like the kids got a good grade or had a hard day and maybe you want to, maybe they pressure you to, but it's just no longer safe.

It just leads in maybe another argument or conversation that you just don't wanna have or not supposed to have. Legally, you may be realizing in this middle space that you've been parenting alone, this whole, freaking marriage. But it's gonna hit differently when you see it so clearly.

Now,

even though I did the bulk of the parenting and the child rearing,   at the time. It still felt like I had a partner in it. Like, okay, I could talk about how hard it was, or, I don't know. It just, it felt like I wasn't alone. But then after. everything came out, the more reality I had, the more clarity to what was really going on in that relationship, I could look back and, and see just how much of that load I was carrying in that parenting role.

And it's hard when all of a sudden they wanna step up. As a parent, but it feels really just kinda like another control tactic. Like they don't really want a parent, but they just want more control. 'cause now they can't really control you either way. It's absolutely heartbreaking then there's the grief that shows up with the kids when there's kids involved watching them live in the same limbo without the words to name it.

And that's oftentimes the most painful part of all. And then there's the rage, the anger, the hate, the frustration, oh my gosh. It's the rage, the betrayal of your reality, of your life, of your values, your integrity. You look across the room and you think, who the hell are you? Who is this person that I built a life with?

It's just not who you thought. Your body might be remembering the intimacy, but your mind knows the betrayal. That middle space is so confusing and hard to mitigate. That dissonance feels like whiplash, and with that is gonna come the anger of realizing this person who you once thought was safe.

Who you thought was your person, your partner, it's now the one that's tearing everything down. how do you mitigate this middle space, especially when it feels impossible? First, you slow down. Always, always, always slow down. Even when you wanna run, those of you who have jobs like work harder or run to another relationship or, into fixing your kids' lives now, right?

Getting involved in their life, even more so we have to slow down your life depends on you moving forward, but slow is still moving forward. The next is just create those micro bubbles of safety. Those of you especially who are sharing that space, you need to create rituals that anchor you. So having your tea or coffee in the same chair, five minutes of breathing before bed, walking barefoot in the grass, stabilize your nervous system and doing that is gonna remind you that you still belong to yourself.

Finding moments, microbubbles of safety. Many of you are locking your bathroom door now, so lock that bathroom door. Get ready for the night or the morning, and just sanction that space right then and there as your safe space. Safe to brush your teeth, to do your hair, to get dressed, and then boundaries.

Physical, emotional, energetic. We have to have boundaries. Locking your bedroom door, locking your bathroom, limiting your conversation to just logistics. No emotional conversations. Visualize a protective bubble around yourself, and all of your boundaries are survival here. Okay? Without them, you will stay stuck with them.

You're gonna start to breathe again. So if you're having a really difficult time knowing what those boundaries are, how to. Create the, the follow through. This is where it's really important to work with someone to help you, because if you're not, holding to your own boundaries here, then you will stay stuck in this middle space longer than I know you, you all want to.

then the other thing, the other way to manage this middle space, we gotta name it. We just gotta call it out. We gotta say it out loud. I'm in the middle space. Of course it feels impossible, right? Name it. When we name it. We're gonna reduce the shame, we're gonna reduce the self-judgment and we're gonna reduce the comparison.

How many of you are, thinking I should be divorced by now? So and so got divorced after me and she's already divorced. Why am I not divorced? Well, she probably is not having a lifesaving divorce. So look, comparing is not helpful in any way, especially in this middle space. So just name it, call it what it is.

I am in the middle space. I'm in the in between and it sucks and it's hard, but I'm doing my best. And then create a ritual. We have to create some ritual around transitions because even though it feels middle and stuck and you might feel like you're not moving forward at all, , we have to find and acknowledge where we are moving.

And so Maybe you transition , your bedroom if he's no longer in your bedroom. Rearrange your bedroom. Find something that you can change and shift and, , transition into something new. Even if it's just rearranging your furniture right now. , Maybe delete your social media, shared social media account.

, Sometimes clients will have shared email. Create your own email account. That can be a ritual of transition. Of movement where you can move in some way, where you feel like you can't move in these really, larger, bigger ways. And then celebrate those small movements because they really do matter.

They are proof that you're crossing that passageway. then the last suggestion is envision your future. Right now it more important than any time when you're in this middle, in between space. Envision the future out of it. Like write your future self a letter. What is the woman on the other side wearing saying, doing?

How is she breathing? Imagine that woman safe. Imagine her free. Imagine her with unlimited possibilities. What does her every day to day look like in that future? Write it out. Envision that so important right now when you are in that middle stuck space where it feels like it's lasting forever. If you are in this middle stage, I promise nothing is wrong with you, and of course you are going to feel exhausted, angry, hopeless.

This is the hardest part. You don't have to be alone in it. Get support. Get help. Jump on my monthly support call. First Thursday of every month. Amy, go to amy woolsey.com, click the show notes, register for that show up. Be in that space with others who are in that middle space too, or on the other side where you can hear voices.

Validate that it does get a little bit better every day. It gets a little bit better when you are intentional, when you're shifting to that empowered space. A few more questions to reflect on. Ask yourself right now, what emotions surge most often for me in this middle space? Name them. Get your feelings.

Will feelings will.com. Write them out. We have to identify them. And then where do I still have agency? Even in the waiting, you know, sometimes when we're in this waiting middle in between, we oftentimes throw away our agency. We just kinda throw our hands up in the air. Well, I can't do anything anyways.

we're missing on opportunities to take some of that power back. Like I said, it doesn't have to be big, but when you're intentionally, naming and owning and acknowledging your, the choice where you do have choice and agency, still that energy matters. That energy keeps you moving forward. then the last question, what safe space can I create for myself right now?

No matter how small have to create that space right now where it feels perhaps like

the very air that you breathe is slowly being sucked outta your space, bubble up, create that safety, you absolutely can.

Sometimes we think this middle space is wasted. It's not wasted. It is the passageway to your freedom. It's necessary to get. To the other side, so you might feel like you're stuck. But even waiting is movement. When you are still in choice as much as possible, the papers, you can choose to fill them out.

When everything in your brain is saying, I can't, I don't want to. That can be movement. Right now, the process, the pause, they are all part of you becoming. Sometimes we just wanna, try and survive. We feel like we're in survival mode, but you are gathering strength that you will use , for the next stage in your life.

Every boundary you set, every moment you slow down and breathe, and every time you choose you, you really are building the woman that you are finally becoming free. to live as.

if you're filled with anger right now, your anger is not something to fear. Anger's telling you something. It's telling you that none of this was fair, your body is saying, I deserved better and I'm not ever gonna settle for less again.

I hope you feel validated. , I hope you feel seen in this middle, in between space. If this is you right now if you're on the other side of it, did any of this resonate and can you see that you're on the other side? Can you validate that for yourself too? Can you acknowledge and celebrate that you made it through and give yourself massive credit for surviving that middle space.

Know that it does get better believe with everything in you that you are the creator of your life,   and that when you start creating even these micro moments, you get to create the life you want. Even in this middle space because you can't take care everybody.