194. How to Talk to Your Kids About Divorce — Even Years Later

Hello. Hello, my amazing and beautiful listeners. Welcome. Thank you for joining me today. Thank you for being here.

How are you in this moment?

How are you feeling in this moment?

Have you checked in with your body lately? Have you done a body scan? Have you just taken a moment to pause and place your hand over your heart, maybe a hand over your belly, and feel yourself breathe in? Take in all of that air as your chest expands, your belly expands… and then release.

Just take a moment to say hello to yourself.

If you haven’t done that today, here is your invitation to do so.

Before we jump into the topic today, I also wanted to announce that the Dating From Within Workshop—learning how to date yourself, learning how to heal from a life-saving divorce, learning how to come back to you and love yourself—is happening June 11th through 13th.

I am so excited. What a great way to start your summer.

A lot of you might have more time in the summer to date yourself, to slow down, and to get to know yourself again. So let’s kick it off.

June 11th through 13th.

Those of you on the interest list should have already received a notification with the registration link. If you didn’t, you can head over to amy woolsey.com or check the link in the show notes.

I have kept this workshop completely packed with content. There is so much here.

We’ll spend time together live, and there will also be a live Q&A with Scott at the end.

All of these sessions are live, and you’ll also have access to recordings for a limited time. But showing up live gives you a much richer experience—you can ask questions in real time and make this truly personal.

This workshop is everything I wish every woman knew about coming back to herself.

What healing actually looks like.
What a healthy relationship looks like.
What emotional maturity looks like.

How to show up empowered instead of in fear.
How to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop in your next relationship.

And this isn’t just about dating.

You don’t have to be dating or even want to date. Some of you may never want to again—and I understand that.

When you’ve been through betrayal or deep relational pain, it makes sense to feel like “never again.”

That mentality can actually serve you for a while. It slows things down. It helps you look inward. It helps you reflect.

But if we stay there forever and never do the deeper work, it can keep us stuck.

Wherever you are, this workshop meets you there.

If you feel the pull toward it, I would encourage you to register and hold your spot. I’m really looking forward to it in June.

Today’s Episode

Today we’re going somewhere a lot of you have been asking me to go.

We’re talking about your kids.

More specifically, one of the most loaded conversations you will ever have:

Telling your children that your marriage is ending.

I want to start by saying something I could probably end the entire episode with:

You are not going to get this conversation perfect.

That is not what your kids need from you.

They do not need perfect words. They do not need a perfect script.

I see so many women freeze in the weeks leading up to this conversation. Rehearsing scripts at 2 a.m. Terrified of saying the wrong thing. Afraid one sentence will break their children or create lasting damage.

And I want to gently push back on that fear.

The research doesn’t support it. And more importantly, your nervous system doesn’t need that kind of pressure.

What actually matters is presence.

Honesty.

And regulation.

Honesty that is calibrated to your child’s age and developmental stage.

A nervous system in you that can stay present with their emotions without collapsing, deflecting, or absorbing everything.

That is the standard.

Not perfection.

We also live in a world that throws statistics at us.

Things like:

“40% of children will experience divorce by age 18”

lists of long-term consequences

fear-based messaging about outcomes

I remember sitting in a mandatory parenting class during my divorce process and leaving completely devastated. I sat in my car and sobbed. I genuinely thought:

“Maybe I should just stay in this painful relationship so I don’t damage my kids.”

That is how powerful fear-based messaging can be.

But I also had a moment where something deeper inside me anchored me back.

I realized:

I can be steady.
I can be safe.
And if I stay in this situation, I am not stable.

So then my children have two unstable parents instead of one grounded one.

What the Research Actually Shows

Most children of divorce are resilient.

They do not show long-term psychological harm.

One of the strongest protective factors across decades of research is simple:

A high-quality relationship with at least one stable, emotionally present parent.

Warmth. Consistency. Low conflict.

That alone changes everything.

I also held onto research that showed children—especially girls raised in a single-mother household after divorce—often emerge as highly resilient, capable, emotionally strong adults when they have a stable, present caregiver.

I can absolutely see that in my own daughters.

Life-Saving Divorce Context

I also want to say this clearly:

Many of you are not leaving a safe or stable home.

You are leaving homes filled with betrayal, control, gaslighting, deception, and chronic stress.

That matters.

Because sometimes divorce is not just an ending—it is a safety shift.

And if you are the regulated parent in that dynamic, that alone is incredibly powerful for your children.

How to Actually Have This Conversation

Let’s talk about what actually matters.

1. Timing and setting

Do it during the day. Not at night. Not before bed. Not before big events.

Give space after the conversation for emotions to settle.

If possible, have a few weeks before major changes happen so kids can slowly metabolize the information.

Not everyone has this option. I didn’t.

Sometimes things happen quickly and abruptly—and children still adapt. But if you do have time, use it.

2. Regulated presence matters more than perfect words

Your job is not to prevent your child from having feelings.

Your job is to stay regulated while they do.

3. Keep it simple

You do not need to explain everything.

Children do not need adult details.

They need clarity, safety, and reassurance.

4. Expect unexpected questions

Kids don’t ask what you prepare for.

They ask:

“Where will I sleep?”

“Will I still see my friends?”

“Who will pick me up?”

“Is the cat coming with me?”

Get into their world—not yours.

5. It is not a one-time conversation

This is not a “one and done” talk.

It unfolds over time.

Weeks. Months. Years.

And your child will come back with new questions when their nervous system is ready.

6. “This is not your fault” is non-negotiable

Children will naturally fill in the gaps with self-blame.

You must be clear:
This is not your fault. You did not cause this.

7. Name what stays the same

Children are scanning for what is disappearing.

So emphasize what stays:

Love

Routines

Connection

Presence

Stability where possible

Infidelity & Truth

If infidelity is part of your story, you do not need to give full details.

But you also do not need to lie.

You can say:
“Some adult choices broke trust in our marriage, and that is part of why things are changing.”

Keep it factual. Not emotional. Not blaming.

Do not recruit your children into adult pain.

Teens vs Younger Kids

Teenagers often already know more than we think.

They need:

honesty

respect

agency

You can be more direct with them, without over-explaining or burdening them.

And they also need to feel heard in the process—not as decision makers, but as voices that matter.

Control and Nervous System Regulation

When children feel out of control, their nervous system looks for ways to regain it.

That may show up as:

meltdowns

rigidity

anxiety

control behaviors

So we don’t eliminate control—we redirect it.

Give them appropriate choices:

clothing

room setup

routines

small decisions in daily life

This builds safety inside uncertainty.

Closing

Here is what I want to leave you with:

This conversation is an act of love.

It will not be perfect.

But it can be honest, regulated, and deeply connected.

You do not need a flawless script.

You need presence.

You need willingness.

And you need the courage to stay in the room when emotions show up.

If this episode supported you, share it with another woman who is navigating this.

And if you need deeper support, please reach out.

You are not meant to do this alone.

And remember—

You are not just surviving this.

You are becoming the chooser in your life.

Take care, everybody.