199. Will My Kids Be OK After Divorce? A Daughter Answers / Part 1

Introduction

Today's episode is one I have been sitting on for a while, and I am so glad it is finally finding its home here. This is a conversation from an earlier recording on The Choose To Be Podcast, and it features someone very close to me — my oldest daughter, McKenna.

McKenna was twenty-four years old when this was recorded, finishing her psychology degree, newly married, and expecting her first child — who is now almost four. This is an oldie but a goodie, and it belongs in this conversation about divorce, children, and healing.

Before we started recording, I asked McKenna what she most wanted the women listening to hear. Her answer was this: your kids will be okay. They will find their way. And it is better for them to see their mom living a healthy and independent life, even if that means she is no longer married to their dad. Abuse affects children indirectly too — and once that was out of our home, the feeling in the home was completely different.

That is the heart of this episode.

Who Is McKenna?

McKenna graduated from BYUI with a bachelor's degree in psychology, working two and sometimes three jobs to put herself through all four years of school. She was on the dean's list throughout her entire college career. She has a passion for whole-body health — the intersection of nutrition and mental health — and has been considering graduate school. She is married to a wonderful guy, and this recording was made while she was expecting her first baby.

She is also my daughter. Which means this conversation carries a weight and a realness that I could never manufacture in a coaching session or a scripted episode.

The Gift of an Unfiltered Perspective

One of the things I hear most from the women I work with is that they desperately want to know what their kids are actually experiencing. Not the filtered version — not what their child thinks mom wants to hear, or what feels safe to say out loud. The real, unguarded version.

Children filter. They always do. Because attachment is everything to a child, and saying the wrong thing to the wrong parent at the wrong moment feels dangerous to their nervous system, even when it is not. So getting an honest window into what a child carries through a parent's divorce — and what actually helps them — is rare and valuable.

That is what McKenna offers here.

I also want to name something before we go further. McKenna and I have done our own individual work. We have had many hard conversations. There was a season early on where she was absolutely filtering what she said to me, saying what she thought I wanted to hear. That was real. That was part of our story. And the fact that we are able to sit in a conversation like this one is not an accident — it is the result of years of showing up, repairing, and doing the work on both sides.

I share that because I want you to hold hope. The relationship you have with your kids right now does not have to be the relationship you have with them forever.

Did She Know Something Was Wrong?

Alana: Before the separation, before the divorce — did you sense that something was off in your home?

McKenna: Looking back now, yes, I can see that things were off. But when I was actually living in it — I was in my own teenage world, which is where I was supposed to be. And my parents did a really good job of being discreet about what they were going through. So when the separation happened, it added to my confusion and shock, because I genuinely had no idea.

Amie: Developmentally, teenagers are egocentric. Everything is about them — and that is normal and healthy. Did you ever make any of it about you? Did you wonder if you had done something to contribute to the marriage ending?

McKenna: No, because my mom did a really good job of telling us clearly that this was not our fault. She kept us out of it. She let us know this was something she and our dad were working through, and it had nothing to do with us kids. I think because of that — because they validated us and made sure we knew they loved us — I never really carried that guilt. I was lucky in that way.

When Your Body Knows Before Your Brain Does

Amie: You have always been very intuitive. Even when you were little, you could look at me and know something was off. You would come up and just watch me, sensing that I was not okay even when I was saying I was fine. What did it do to you when I invalidated what you were picking up on?

McKenna: I knew you weren't being honest with me. Deep down I just knew. And I think that's maybe where some of that self-blame did creep in — because if something felt off and you were saying everything was fine, the only explanation I could come up with was that it must be about me somehow.

Looking back, I remember you being in a state of depression. And because of that, I felt like I needed to take that on. I felt responsible for changing it somehow. We have had to do a lot of work to reroute that pattern — you literally having to say to me, get back in your bubble, that is not yours to carry.

Alana: What you are describing is actually gaslighting, even though it was not intentional. McKenna was having a real experience — sensing that Mom was not okay — and hearing the opposite of what she was sensing. That causes a child to start questioning their own instincts. Am I reading this wrong? Is it me?

McKenna: Exactly. And I think that is part of why I became so tuned in to other people's emotions. I had to be. When the people around you are not being honest about what they are feeling, you start scanning constantly for what is real.

Amie: There is research on this. What looks like being an empath is sometimes a nervous system that learned very early to be hyper-aware of the emotional states of the people around it — as a form of self-protection. And when you combine that kind of attunement with genuine intuition, you get someone who feels everything and carries it as their own.

I want to pause here for every woman listening who just thought — oh no, I have done this to my kids. Most of us have, in some form, because we were trying to protect them. The answer is not to swing to the other extreme and start dumping everything on your child. There is a balance. Something like: I am having a hard day, and it is not because of you — it is adult stuff, and I am handling it. That validates their experience without making it their responsibility.

The Difference in the Home After the Abuse Was Gone

Alana: You mentioned in your text to Amie that once the abuse was out of the home, the feeling was completely different. Can you speak to that?

McKenna: It definitely was hard at first. A new apartment, a smaller space, a different city, a different family structure — the transition was real. But there was such a different feeling in that home once we were out of the abusive situation, because my mom became a healthier and happier version of herself. She was doing her own work to heal. She was not without negative emotion — we all had negative emotion — but she was better. And that allowed all of us to be better too.

Alana: So many women believe they have to sacrifice themselves entirely for their kids. What is the difference between that kind of sacrifice and actually becoming stable and whole — and what impact did your mom becoming healthier have on you?

McKenna: It created stability. And because there was more honesty, I was not attributing her emotions to myself anymore. I knew there was a reason for what she was feeling, and I knew she was working through it. Watching her build her confidence, build her own business, become independent — that was actually really empowering for me to see. Her confidence was growing. She was relying on herself. And it made me believe I could do the same thing.

A Healing Home: Giving Kids Permission to Feel Everything

McKenna: After the divorce, we moved into the apartment, and I remember my mom gathering us all together and saying something like: this is a healing home. Whatever you feel when you walk through this door, you are allowed to feel it. Say it. Express it. Whatever you need.

And I genuinely think that is part of why I never needed to go look for other outlets. I was not bottling anything up. I was not going to parties or numbing out because I already had a place to put it all. You gave us that.

Amie: You also discovered a new favorite word around that time.

McKenna: I did. Yes.

Amie: And my rule was: as long as you are not hurting another person, destroying property, or hurting yourself — have at it. I was not going to take that from you.

McKenna: And because you allowed that, I could truly express whatever I needed to without judgment. You were honest and open about what you were going through too. And that permission made it safe for all of us to do the same.

What Therapy Actually Did

Amie: I got all of you into therapy fairly quickly after everything happened. What did that do for you?

McKenna: I could honestly cry thinking about how much it meant. Our therapist was extraordinary. Therapy was the greatest gift we were given through all of that. It was a safe place to feel everything, to be validated in everything, and to hear from someone with no stake in the outcome — not my mom, not my dad — that my feelings were real and they were okay.

She really taught me that my parents' emotions were not my responsibility. She helped me understand what was in my control and what was not. We mapped it out, basically every session. And she helped me learn to listen to my body, to trust my gut, because there was so much going on between my parents at that time — things were being said from both sides, and I did not know what was true. She helped me trust what I felt, not just what I was being told.

Amie: One of the things our therapist did that I tell every parent to ask for — and if your therapist says no, find a different one — is that once a month or so, she would bring all four of my kids into a session together. McKenna, can you speak to why that mattered?

McKenna: We were all processing it so differently because my brothers were so young. But we were all going through the same thing. We all had the same questions. We all wondered whose side to take, who to believe. And she validated for all of us together: you do not have to take sides. You are not responsible for your parents' emotions. You are only responsible for your own.

She also said something I have never forgotten — that we four are the only people on earth who truly know what it felt like to be in our family during that time. That created such a bond between us. We became closer through that trial than I think we ever would have been otherwise. Every time we are all together now, we end up piled up on each other somewhere, limbs everywhere, just checking in. That closeness came from that season of being forced to be vulnerable together.

On Stopping Yourself from Pulling Them Toward Your Side

Amie: I want to name something I did that I know a lot of women are doing right now. I was terrified that the narrative being given to family and friends was also being given to my children. I was afraid I was going to lose them. So my instinct was to make sure they knew my side of things.

And I want every woman listening to hear this clearly: it does not help. It makes things worse. The more you try to say, here is what is really happening — the more confused your kids become. I had to learn to stop. To trust that they were learning in therapy to trust their bodies, and that as they did that, they would come to their own conclusions. Whatever those conclusions were, I then got to do my own work around.

McKenna: I think because we were taught in such a healthy way to listen to our bodies and trust ourselves, we were naturally led to whoever felt safest. Therapy gave us the tools to figure that out on our own. Nobody had to convince us of anything.

On Going Back to Work — and What Kids Actually Need

McKenna: When my mom had to go back to work, I will be honest — my first feelings were mostly selfish. I did not want to wait an hour after school for a ride. But I understood why it was necessary, and I really was appreciative of it, because I needed to see her working hard for us. The other parent was not providing financially at that time. My mom was. And that consistency — knowing she would always provide for our needs — gave me a foundation to stand on.

Amie: I hear the word consistency coming up again and again. Not perfection. Consistency. Showing up, providing safety, being reliable — those things anchor kids. They do not need a parent who has it all figured out. They need a parent who keeps showing up.

Seasons Change — Even When It Does Not Feel Like It

Alana: Listening to the two of you, I keep thinking about seasons. There was the season before everything came out. The season of transition. The season of working constantly. And none of those is the season you are in now. It is so easy when you are in the middle of one hard season to believe that is just how life will always be. This conversation is a reminder that it is not.

What Healing Actually Looks Like

Healing after divorce does not come from being a perfect parent. I have had every opportunity to be imperfect. What makes the difference is the repair — the willingness to own it, to go back, to say I know I got that wrong and I am still here.

Healing comes when a parent is willing to be honest. Self-aware. Accountable. Emotionally safe.

You do not have to have everything figured out to create a home where your children feel secure. You just have to keep choosing to show up, keep choosing to repair, and keep choosing to make space for feelings — theirs and yours.

That is something you can start practicing today, right where you are.

Journal Prompt

Where am I trying to protect my children from something that they are actually already sensing? What would it look like to name what is real, in an age-appropriate way, without making it their responsibility to fix?

Resources

Work with Amie: amiewoolsey.com | amie @lifecoachingwithamie.com

Free monthly live Q&A — first Thursday of every month: amiewoolsey.com

The Choose To Be Podcast — available wherever you listen