Should I Stay or Go?: Making A Decision

 Hello and low, my amazing, beautiful listeners. Thank you for being here today. All right, I'm going to continue on the series of, should I stay or should I go. For those of you who might be tuning in and you're not quite sure. However, the majority of this podcast is really going to be. Those who have decided to divorce and just are so confused on how to navigate it.

But I really wanted to give space to those of you who are still stuck. And wondering, should I stay or should it go in and just a couple of things that you can practice and consider as you and you alone make this decision. So right away, I'm just going to dive into a very tough topic and that's abuse.

If there's any abuse happening in your relationship, Please head over to my resources on abuse and. I do have on twos, recovery services.com. And life coaching with amy.com. There is a free self paced. Workshop that you can use to help identify different elements of abuse in a relationship.

Also, there is an assessment, a relationship assessment that you can take. Two. And take a deep dive into your experiences and the destructive experiences that might be showing up in your relationship. And it's really going to help give you clarity around what is going on so that we're not wondering, we're not assuming.

Or believing what might be. Told to us, this will help give you like I said, clarity, and you can find that over at choose recovery services as well. I also want to plug the new website, safe space. And I will put the link in the show notes for that as well. So if abuse is happening. This makes your decision a lot trickier. In terms of how to how to navigate leaving. Especially there's physical abuse or the potential there, which there's always the potential. If there's any sort of abuse.

The majority of women who show up to my free group coaching, should I stay or should I go the first Thursday of every month? By the way.

Are experiencing some sort of betrayal trauma. Mixed with abusive behaviors. And so again, this makes it hard to step into your power when you are in these situations, but it is not impossible. Your brain has been riding that merry-go-round for so long and getting off is going to make you feel sick.

That abuse cycle, where it just goes around and around or conversations where you feel like, just go around and around. Getting off of that. Is gonna. It's like when my kids spin in a chair. They just spin each other and then they get up off the chair and they're little wobbly. That's how it's going to feel. And you might even feel a little sick and nauseous. And so your brain automatically is going to be like whoa, this isn't safe. Get back on the right.

And that's just a quick synopsis of why we perhaps stay in those cycles and wonder why it's so hard to get off. Those who really struggle with this question? Should I stay or should I go. Are most often just afraid of making the wrong decision. They're worried about their standing with God in their decision.

So first just notice the word should, right. Should I stay. Any time we drop into that should shitting on ourselves is how we stay stuck. It's a form of cognitive distortion thinking a negative pattern of thinking. That we can develop as a way to cope with really tough life events.

The more severe those events are the more likely. It is that there's going to be more distortions forming. So. Thoughts like I might as well stay. I'm never going to be able to make it on my own cognitive distortion. All the patterns of thoughts we believe to be true. But really don't have any. Basis in facts, it's just what our brains offering us as a way that it thinks to keep us safe. So should statements. They also caused that panic and anxiety and fear and worry. I should be able to live with this. I should be able to forgive and forget. I shouldn't be so picky. Notice if those are a part of your language and get curious about that.

So what keeps us from making a decision? Again, really quickly worrying about getting it wrong. Totally understandable. And I just want to offer you the idea that you and you alone are the one that decides what's right and wrong for This is your life here to create. It's your experience here? And can only be experienced by

What do you want? What was the last time you even considered? What you want.

And when I say that, You're the only one that gets to decide. It's because you're an agent who has the gift of agency. You can choose for themselves. No one can choose that for you because no one can live your life for you. We have experiences with other people. When we get married, we're having an experience together.

But we're still an independent, we're still our own

What keeps us from making that decision?

One thing that can help you maybe navigate this too, is writing out pros and cons brainstorming ideas. Figuring out what your higher self is saying, what your brain is saying, maybe what other people are offering you. And just getting some clarity. I was pulling out a old notebook when I was navigating this.

Myself. And that was one of the things I did. I just okay. What's really happening. What am I being told? What do I feel like is real is factual. And what do I want? And that dumping out and getting on paper can help create some space between. The thoughts and you can

Take more of that observer role and notice what's going on a little bit better. So that's something that you can practice doing. The other thing I see is shame. Shame around a failed marriage, why didn't I see this coming? Why didn't I see this before? What's wrong with me that I, that this has happening. I'll all kinds of thoughts that make this mean something about you intrinsically.

Be aware of that and know that you are enough, that you did not cause this you're impacted

And we're here on earth to be impacted. Because everyone has a human brain and no one has control over those human

Sometimes that's hard for me to swallow. I want control. But notice if there's any part of this decision, any part of this experience that you are. We are making this mean something about. You I'm not good enough.

And then ask yourself. Is this person on the path of growth with Are we evolving together are our value systems aligning. Do I think it's his job to make me happy. And does he think it's my job to make him happy? Because the answer's no. Now that's a tricky, that's a tricky one right there, because when we're talking about a healthy relationship,

And in that couple bubble, then it is. The responsibility to create safety for that person. And we do want to provide opportunities and safety for the person to feel. At their best in happy. And we can do things for the person where they'll have thoughts. And create that happiness within themselves because we're providing that opportunity for them.

But. Our emotions are our emotions and when we're not able to create our own and looking to the other person to only create that for us, that's when we have a problem. The other thing to consider is how safe do you feel in the relationship again? Is there abuse? Is it safe to be you. Or do you feel like you have to pretend or hide or.

Becomes smaller in your voice, smaller in your ideas and

Is it safe to make a mistake, to have friends to express who you are. Can you. Can you tell your partner anything and be yourself? How protected do you

In terms of your emotions, do you feel like you can't share your thoughts and feelings and emotions and experiences?

And what about your weaknesses? Do those? Get protected or thrown in your face or told to the world. Is there respect. Respect in that marriage for the marriage by. Creating safety. And by doing things and showing up in a way where, you know, That how you live is going to protect your partner.

Do they encourage you to grow and be

Do you like who you are in this relationship?

Or do you feel like an angry bitter person?

In fact, I remember I had thoughts like. I thought that too. I was, I thought I was an angry bitter I was told that, and I felt a lot of anger. I felt a lot of anger because I didn't know what was going on. I didn't have the truth. And so my body knew something was going on, but because I was being gaslit and lied to.

And I didn't have any, evidence always that I was being lied to. So there was this, there is this distortion. And my body was sensing one thing and I was being told another. And that creates that separation. That's trauma. And so, well in abuse, Right right there. And so naturally my parts were filling a lot of anger.

And then when I did discover And it was minimized or rationalized or justified. And then I was feeling grief, part of the grief cycle, anger. Anyways, it made sense why I was feeling it, but that. Because I still didn't have safety being creative and there still wasn't accountability. Reliability and safety.

I believe that's where I was in the relationship. It wasn't until I got out. That I realized, oh yeah, I'm not an angry person. That was just in that relationship because of what was happening. And that can be hard to identify right now unless you're getting space, but. Another thing to consider asking yourself is, am I having

Now, remember this is not a. We have fun, but everything else is horrible type of fun. This is there a genuine. Fun in the majority of relationship, like even in the hard times, can you find the humor, gratitude, joy, and the funny parts? That's a healthy piece to the relationship. Rather, I remember just everything being so intense all the time.

And it was either extremely intense. Or we would. Escape and do things together and have fun together. That was the only connection. But there wasn't any other type of connection happening, so that, that can also be a piece there

I think sometimes when we're asking ourselves this question, We can start overthinking. And first, we just need to notice when we're overthinking, we When you. When you are finding Taking a situation and making the problem bigger than it currently is. Meaning. Am I. Jumping into the future and making up scenarios and situations and circumstances that haven't even happened yet.

Cause when you're overthinking the situation, then you're not going to move forward. You're going to be stuck. And now we're not progressing. And now we're just maybe rehashing and replaying things in our minds. And again, perhaps those future scenarios that might happen. It's really common to have created a fairytale story. And with so many of those messages we got

When you just. Those you'll know he's the one or. Even the fact that there's just one out there for you causes this false sense of reality. This Knight in shining armor, man, that doesn't exist, but we think we have to have this happily ever after mindset going into the relationship. Even saying things like divorce, isn't an option. And so now.

If we doubt the marriage, now, it means something's wrong. And that's just not an acceptable thought. But we've all been influenced by these thoughts of what a marriage is supposed to be like and what love is supposed Be like an end. Maybe this Disney movie love song, romantic movie.

And it's just not true.

Now we're not good enough. We're not worthy enough. Beautiful enough. Perfect enough. For the guy to choose you to love it's that idea of we need to be chosen.

And that creates such a problem.

So I gave you a lot of questions to consider. And your invitation this week is to take time and answer those questions and get more curious for yourself. And one of my favorite things to ask myself is what if I could trust myself and what if I could prove of my decisions? What if I don't need to make myself wrong?

For my decision.

And really let yourself play that out and notice where your brain takes that.

I again, just want to validate how sometimes this journey of deciding can take time. I think we all want to make sure we're doing everything we possibly can think of. To make this marriage work. And of course you would, of course you would want to do everything.

But it still comes down to a decision.

It still comes down to you. Ultimately deciding. What you want. And. We have to make that decision based on what is based on reality. Based on the patterns that we're seeing from the past. And we can use those patterns of destructive behaviors. As a way to predict the future. And so if you're not seeing enough safety consistent, consistently created over time.

And those patterns. And that cycle is repeating itself. Then it's safe to assume that pattern will continue because guess what? You're not going to stop that pattern. There's nothing you're going to do to stop that. That has to come from them. And so, unfortunately it's how much longer do I want to live in the cycle?

And that is so hard to decide.

But. The only way forward. Is one small step at a time. Accessing your power and believing. Again, that you have everything inside of you to take that step. It's digging deep and finding that one. Piece of courage, of determination, of tenacity, of strength, of heart, of faith. And using that. To take one step.

In a direction. Knowing that you can change your mind. Because you have that right. Knowing that you have the right to be wrong.

But. For me personally, I know that. Those answers com. The direction, the paths open and options open in front of me. When I take a step forward. It won't come when I stand still.

So again, Navigate this with grace. And with self-compassion. And love. For yourself in this journey. And knowing that you are enough right now, just as you are of worth and value and infinitely lovable, no matter Thanks for joining and i will see you next time